Thursday, February 11, 2010

Some Thoughts

Life. It's not what I expected. It's so much more and so much less and I wonder, now, how's it going to end? Not, my actual end, that I'm not worried about. But, maybe more accurately, what is going to come next? I feel as if my life has been a series of very random events peppered by profound sadness and heartache. Events that make myself and those around me shrug our shoulders and say, "What the heck just happened?" "Really?"

No matter what happens though, you have to go through it, and it seems that these events shape who we are. How you end up handling the random event says more about you than what actually happened. Which kind of stinks because you are already handed something you don't want and now you have to make a good showing of it. It's exhausting. No wonder I'm tired all the time.

One of my dear friends asked, after I was lamenting about all this, if I would do anything differently? Not trying to avoid the event itself, but how I handled it? And I had to admit that I wouldn't. I mean, it's not as if there is a plan or I sat up in bed one day and said, "Okay, this is how I am going to handle this." It doesn't happen like that at all. You're character guides you. I'm not a retaliator. I'm not a revenge seeker. I'm not mean...except if you drive below the speed limit on these crazy Tucson streets. Then you may get an aggressive honk and a dirty look from me, but otherwise, I'm mostly a person who thinks, "if this stupid thing is happening to me, well, what can I take from it? What can I learn? How can I be a better person? Who can I help afterward that might have to also go through a similar stupid situation?"

So, basically what happens is, the decisions you make are guided by who you were before the random event. If you are a retaliator or a vengeful person...then you will spend your time retaliating and seeking revenge. Not that I haven't made mistakes or done the wrong thing...goodness knows that is not the case. And I thought about wanting to change those, but I learned more from the mistakes I made than the whole mess itself so, in the end, they were helpful.

Whatever happens next, however it does end, well, I guess that's life, right? It's just what happens every day and some days are good and some days are bad and some days you just watch TV.