My thoughts have been quite jumbled lately. It is hard for me to collect my thoughts as so many seem to be swirling through my head at any given time. I have sat down to write many times, but there are too many directions to go in. I have had more loss since Phil’s death; the loss of several friendships at once; the loss of a church; my son will more than likely be moving away; and dammit, but my health just seems to be further declining, now with some pretty severe stomach pains.
There is a lot on my plate…the plate is so full, I just can’t seem to even see it anymore. There is too much and everything seems to have settled into a haze just beyond my grasp. Which is fine. I can’t find the energy to even deal with it all, anyway. When something comes up, I pull it forward, deal with it alone, then push the plate back into its hazy place. It is emptying slowly but surely.
The loss of friendships is probably the most difficult for me. I am heartbroken over it. It is baffling and I swing from immense pain to being quite pissed off. I was encouraged to share my thoughts but instead of solutions or apologizes, their position was defended. Two simple words could heal all, but, they will not be forthcoming. A declaration to never give up on the friendship by them was taken back within a week. “Peace” was claimed on their end, and that was that. And, I wonder why? If you hurt me, whether you meant to or not, whether you have a good excuse or not, and we have a ten-plus year friendship, and I tell you that you have hurt me, why wouldn’t you make amends? Why wouldn’t you use those two magic words? I have no answers for those questions and the situation has just become one more thing that I have to get through.
The church thing is unfortunate and sad, but judgment and intolerance seem to have a permanent home in our churches. Churches, American churches, preach to marital status. If you are married with children, then the American church is very, very happy to have you. If you are anything but that, you are not their demographic and they truly don’t know what to do with you. This is so far from what the Bible teaches it boggles my mind that they are oh so proud of it all. This particular church has a young pastor who preaches that women are less than. He preaches it, he blogs it, and he, as I found out, lives it. Unless he is related to you, he will treat you with indifference, unless he is being downright rude, each being acceptable behavior for him. And people within the church make excuses for him; that’s just the way he is. He doesn’t mean anything by it. Are you kidding me?
Um, here’s why it’s a problem. He is preaching by the flesh instead of by the Holy Spirit. He is living by fear instead of grace. And, Jesus, who should be his model, treats everyone equally. He loves you no matter who you are; male or female; married or not; childless or not.
1 Timothy 5 teaches us to treat every Christian like mother or father, sister or brother. Jesus also preached and ministers to EVERYONE. This guy has removed words like “whosoever” “all” “the world” and has replaced those words with “only those I feel comfortable with”. So, when a single female (me) asked for much needed prayer when Phil died, I got no response. Ever. Not a “someone will call you as soon as possible” or “I’m sorry for your loss”. This is real, this happened. A pastor of a church ignored a request for prayer. How can you, as a pastor, decide to ignore someone in need? Whom are you truly serving? Ministering to the people in your congregation is a major job description…how can you decide, “ah, I just won’t talk to or pray for women because they might make me stumble?” Pushing your sin on a whole gender is wrong, buddy. Why don’t you know that?
More questions ricochet around my mind; Does he not know the meaning of the word “ministry”? How can he read the Bible and feel comfortable deciding not to minister to certain people? How can he judge like that? How can he add to the Bible, something it teaches us NOT to do? If he has a problem ministering to women, why is he a pastor? And worst of all, how can the people around him let him get away with such unChristlike behavior?
Questions, I again, have no answer for. But I am so thankful, too, that I have wonderful Christian men in my life who ARE doing it right. Who treat me like a sister and support me in good and bad.
Michael leaving is a good thing and I am excited for the opportunities that await him. He has had further loss as well, and I grieve for the place life has him right now. I want him to know that it will all be okay, that he will go on to do great things, and that yes, life will kick him again. I want him to be buoyant and see beyond the pain and sadness to the horizon. Good stuff is waiting; just keep going. Good advice for both of us, I think.
My health. Bleh. I’m sick of talking about it and wondering how I got here. Thoughts of my past and all I have put my body through haunt me a little. Gymnastics, dance, track, running, skiing, ice skating, weight lifting…I swear my body is just rebelling. The days when I could ask my body to do anything and have it respond in kind are long gone. I wonder if I will ever be able to run again? That, is just too much to think about.
As for my stomach issues, it is my gallbladder, which needs to come out. Since I can’t see the surgeon until mid-August, I decided to do a cleanse that some people have had great results with…well, what a disaster! The pre-cleanse has you drink a LOT of apple juice. Like. A. Lot. Plus, no fat or protein. I made it through that just fine and went on to the day of fasting. I was doing great and then bam, a searing headache and nausea so bad I couldn’t hold my head up. I was eventually able to keep an aspirin down and feel okay this morning. The pain is still there but I can at least hold my head up. I don’t know what caused such a brutal headache…no protein? All that sugar from the juice? The funniest thing about all that was when I woke up at 1am, thanking God the nausea had cleared, I found I couldn’t move. I put my hand down to find Timber, all 90lbs of him, snuggled right up next to me with his head across my stomach. The dog knows when I don’t feel good, that’s for sure! So, I’ll bide my time until I see the surgeon and hope the pain doesn’t keep me from missing more fun activities. I missed a reunion, a good friend’s b-day party, and the whole just-not-feeling-good every day does get to me. The days I have energy I’m like a whirling dervish. Hoping those outnumber the bad days!
So, a lot on my plate and I’m just trying to stay positive. I relish the little things throughout the day that are positive; friends calling to check up on me; invitations to get out of the house; time with my son who is staying here until he leaves in a few weeks; the monsoons. God is good, even in this time of trial.
I am so thankful for my faith in times like these. Being able to pour out my heart to God and ask Him these questions that rattle through my brain. He is bigger than all these things and will sort them out in His time. For me, I lean on His comfort and His teaching that this is only a season. And will try to use this time of sorrow to learn His path for me and to have Him strengthen me as I go through it.
Blessings to you.
