If you have read this blog at
all, you know that the last year has been a tough one and I have openly shared
what I am feeling. In doing so, I have hit a nerve. A nerve we seem to never
talk about, ever. The nerve is loneliness.
The response to my piece ‘On Having
a Bad Year’, where I touched briefly on loneliness, was very positive…people
said some wonderful things and used words like “brave” “risk taker” “positive”
to describe me. Except one. One person said they were worried about me; that I
seemed negative (which is why they hadn’t been around—this person wanted to
spend their time with positive people) and was generally just concerned by my
posts and blogs. Mmm. Really?
I think this response is in line
with how people feel about loneliness. They don’t like it, in themselves or
others. It scares them. In our society, to admit you are lonely is not tres
chic…it is social suicide. When you do, people feel sorry for you and then
avoid you like the plague, lest it happen to them, too. Not all people of
course. Some are able to admit their own loneliness and can encourage you. Some
are afraid of how they will be perceived and then live this fear out in their behavior.
And I just wonder why? Why does
loneliness have such a stigma? Yes, I get lonely sometimes, but that does not
define me. Yes, loneliness can be painful, but what is wrong with that? Don’t
we need the lows to see how high the highs really are? And what is wrong with
saying I am lonely at times? Why do people turn away in horror that I have
admitted such a thing?
Upon Googling “loneliness” I was
quite surprised to find thousands of websites dedicated to it; quizzes you
could take; definitions; causes; counseling centers for it; and many, many
quotes. It seems loneliness is unique to everyone…what causes me to feel lonely
will be different for you. And, not surprisingly, people deal with it in
different ways. For me, I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. I am not
crushed under its weight, although at times it brings me to my knees. It is not
happening all day long, but, yes, it does creep in at times. And, so what?
Truly, so what?
If your response to me admitting
that there is loneliness in my life, is to run the other way and think negative
things about me, then I think that says more about you than it does me.
Because I know this about
myself…I am not a wallower. I can name what I am going through, acknowledge
that it hurts, and try my best to deal with it in a positive way. Do I gripe
about it? Sure. Do I need to talk about it, too? Yep. But, if that offends you,
well, I really don’t have anything nice to say about that.
Quite simply, I find it offensive
that you would shun me for a feeling I am expressing. Because, that is not what
friendship is all about. Friendship is about taking me for who I am and what
I happen to be going through. Now, if I am taking my loneliness and wielding it
like a sword and am being mean to you, then, and again this is where friendship
kicks in, you should just speak to me about it, right? But, you would need to
do that…speak to me. Not about me.
And I have discovered that
expressing what you are going through, be it in a blog or face to face, weeds
the true friends from the fair-weather friends. So, not only do you have to
deal with what you are going through, but you have to deal with the pain of
someone showing you they don’t like you right now. And, well, okay, if that’s
who you want to be. But the flip side of that, of course, are the people who
live out the meaning of friendship. They
like you. They’re not offended by your feelings and are secure enough in
theirs to know loneliness isn’t catchy.
I was speaking with a Christian
friend the other day; we were lunching and she said that at times she is just
so lonely. I recoiled in mock horror. “Repent!” I screamed at her. She laughed
so hard her soda went up her nose. Then we both shook our heads…because as
taboo as ‘loneliness’ is outside of church, inside it is very TABOO.
We Christians…Scheesh. It is so
hard for us to live out grace. You’re lonely? Fine, keep it to yourself, cause
if you dare say it, you’ll be rebuffed as a sinner or thought out of your right
mind. Very few will take up that loneliness with you. And if they do, some will
do it in a condescending way, as if they are doing a good deed. They have, of
course, missed the point. They aren’t seeing a person with feelings; they are
seeing, well, I’m not sure what they are seeing. I hope I never do.
Last week, I got really tripped
up over a message at church, so tripped up that I emailed the pastor and said I
was lonely at times and asked questions that weren’t his to answer, but you
know what? He was so faithful…he not only answered with encouragement, but
followed up with me this week after his message touched on the same thing.
And here’s the thing that this
pastor understands; Jesus was lonely at times. Geez, with the Bickersons, er, I
mean the disciples, arguing over who was the greatest and them just not getting
it, His time here was fraught with lonely grief. And if God's Son felt the sting of loneliness, well, that means we all will, too.
Jesus’ example of not letting it
define you or take you over is perfect. He prayed, He wept, He got on with what
was before Him. And He comforted the lonely not with condescension or a
reprimand, but with love and fellowship.
If you are someone who is feeling lonely, I pray that you will tell someone. I pray that the person you tell will not recoil from you, but will join you in that loneliness. And, if someone expresses loneliness to you, I pray you will not judge them or turn from them, but continue to treat them as you always have...because friendship isn't only for the good times, but for the sad and lonely times as well.
And if you decide you'll just leave me alone while I go through this, and only come back when you perceive my life to be "better", you may be surprised to find my life no longer has room for you. Harsh? Maybe. But, this is life. And just as good times are coming my way, so too will another round of bad times.
And I want friends who will mourn when I mourn and rejoice when I rejoice, because that is the type of friendship you'll always get from me.
