Stuck up. Judgmental.
Standoffish. Mean. Ugly. Stupid. Harsh. Annoying. Strict. Uptight. Weird.
Hateful. Jesus Freak. Proud. Haughty. Witch with a B. Fat.
These are all words that have
been used to describe me.
As troubling as they are, what is
more troubling is that they were uttered by women.
This came to mind the other day
as I sat sipping an iced latte between appointments and overheard the women
sitting next to me take apart another woman. They took her apart for no other
reason than for who she was…beautiful, accomplished, and apparently a money
grubbing man-eater. “I don’t know much about her, but the way she dresses?
There’s only one reason you dress like that,” said with an all knowing eyebrow
raise and head flip.
It starts early. For me it was in
the 1st grade. Julia Trupeano. I was with my friends at recess and we ran over
to where she was sitting with her friends. As I went to sit down, she told me I
couldn’t sit with them. My dress wasn’t pretty enough and I was too ugly to be
their friend. No one had ever commented on my appearance before so I really
didn’t know what to think. I liked my dress, and said so, but ‘ugly’ wasn’t
really a word we used in our house, so I wasn’t sure what to do with that. My
friend Debbie Farrell piped up and told her I wasn’t ugly and that we didn’t want to be
her friend anyway. Julia spent the next year calling me names. And so it goes.
And understandable for little
girls. Little girls don’t know any better do they?
Grown women, however, should
absolutely, positively know better.
Because the negative words above
about me were all spoken by adult women. Most were Christian women, because
apparently, proclaiming to love Jesus doesn’t keep us from bad mouthing someone
we don’t like.
And is that really it? That we don't like them? I don’t
think so. I don’t think we use these type of words on women we don’t like. With
women we don’t like, we do that polite ignoring thing. We don’t give them the
energy of bestowing words on them.
These negative words and
innuendos are spoken when we feel threatened in some way. We may think it is dislike, but it is really that we feel threatened. We compare ourselves to her and come up short and to make our tender little egos feel better, we use our
mighty tongue to cut her down. And feel very justified, too. As if saying she
is fat will make us skinny. As if saying she is ugly will change what we see in
the mirror every day. As if naming that annoying trait she has, will make the
same trait in us any less annoying.
Comparing and competing with
another woman will never, ever, make you a better woman. Comparing and
competing will never, ever, make close relationships. How can we be close when
you are sizing me up all the time? So what if someone is a better cook than
you? Or garners attention by walking in a room? Or has accomplished more? If
you pride yourself on being the best cook, well, why are you priding yourself
on being the best cook? If you need to be the belle of the ball in all
situations, again, why do you need to be the belle of the ball in all
situations? And more importantly, why, why, why does it make you feel small
enough to lash out when another woman is better at these things than you?
Do you feel better after calling
another woman names? Does it bring back your equilibrium to cut her down to the
smallness you feel inside?
Words are powerful. And she hears
you, whether you say them behind her back or not. Our collective Spidey-sense
tingles when we are being talked about. I've walked in on women
talking about me. And I assure you I knew it before I had the concrete
evidence. And it is still wrong even if she “did” something to you. Because you
should be talking to her, not about her. And certainly not
dragging another woman on to your side.
It’s funny how we judge others by
their actions and ourselves by our intentions and rationalizations, isn’t it?
As women, we talk a lot about
love and friendship and accepting each other for who we are. Woman Power is
great in the recesses of our minds. It’s really a great idea. We cling to it.
But in the harsh light of reality, well, that’s a different story. The reality
is that talking badly about other women is second nature. We say cruel things
and laugh with our friends who accept that type of behavior from us. And I get
it. It’s hard to hold our tongue. It’s hard to face that green monster that
wells up inside us. It’s hard to look inside ourselves and find out why we are
so threatened in the first place. It’s hard. But, we do know and understand
that our words will knock her around a bit. That we want her Spidey-sense to
tingle. We want her off her game. So, we use our words to tear her down. To
knock her off the pedestal we’ve inadvertently put her on.
Are you one of those women? Are
you?
Why?
And the answer is deep within
each of us.
We are all guilty. I encourage
you to find out your ‘why’ and then work to change it.
Because we are better than that. Because
Woman Power is real and we should be using the power we have to build up, to
elevate, to encourage. Or just to give credit where credit is do. "Man, she's a great ________!" Done, and moving on.
We have to stop believing that if
we tear another woman down, that will lift us up. That if we politely isolate
them, it will keep them from being whatever it is that threatens us.
Here’s some truth. We are showing
our small pettiness by bad mouthing another woman. We are showing how jealous, how
threatened, how insecure we are within ourselves when we bad mouth or ignore another
woman.
God created you to be a unique
and incredible woman. He gave you certain gifts and traits. You are a one of a
kind. There is no one on the earth just like you. With all the women in this
world though, someone will always be taller, skinnier, prettier, younger, a
better cook, singer, dancer, writer, party planner, runner, friend, wife,
mother. That shouldn’t threaten you. That’s just math.
The next time your feel
threatened, stop. Applaud her. Instead of whispering to a friend that she is
(insert your negative adjective here), whisper how great she is at whatever is
threatening you. Quit sizing yourself up by her. Allow her to be great. And I’m
not talking about that false flattery thing that we do. We shower her with
words and hold malice in our heart. No. I’m talking about being okay with who we are enough to know that giving some powerful words to another woman won't diminish us.
Proverb 18:21 says:
The tongue has the power of life
and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
We need to use the power of our
tongue to build up, to elevate, to encourage and we will then understand that we don't feel so threatened anymore. We can tame the insecurity inside of us and the fruit will be that our relationships with other women will thrive.
And I have to believe, in our words, our positively powerful words, maybe, just maybe, we can change the world.
