On the Words Women Use

Stuck up. Judgmental. Standoffish. Mean. Ugly. Stupid. Harsh. Annoying. Strict. Uptight. Weird. Hateful. Jesus Freak. Proud. Haughty. Witch with a B. Fat.

These are all words that have been used to describe me.

As troubling as they are, what is more troubling is that they were uttered by women.

This came to mind the other day as I sat sipping an iced latte between appointments and overheard the women sitting next to me take apart another woman. They took her apart for no other reason than for who she was…beautiful, accomplished, and apparently a money grubbing man-eater. “I don’t know much about her, but the way she dresses? There’s only one reason you dress like that,” said with an all knowing eyebrow raise and head flip.

It starts early. For me it was in the 1st grade. Julia Trupeano. I was with my friends at recess and we ran over to where she was sitting with her friends. As I went to sit down, she told me I couldn’t sit with them. My dress wasn’t pretty enough and I was too ugly to be their friend. No one had ever commented on my appearance before so I really didn’t know what to think. I liked my dress, and said so, but ‘ugly’ wasn’t really a word we used in our house, so I wasn’t sure what to do with that. My friend Debbie Farrell piped up and told her I wasn’t ugly and that we didn’t want to be her friend anyway. Julia spent the next year calling me names. And so it goes.

And understandable for little girls. Little girls don’t know any better do they?

Grown women, however, should absolutely, positively know better.

Because the negative words above about me were all spoken by adult women. Most were Christian women, because apparently, proclaiming to love Jesus doesn’t keep us from bad mouthing someone we don’t like.

And is that really it? That we don't like them? I don’t think so. I don’t think we use these type of words on women we don’t like. With women we don’t like, we do that polite ignoring thing. We don’t give them the energy of bestowing words on them.

These negative words and innuendos are spoken when we feel threatened in some way. We may think it is dislike, but it is really that we feel threatened. We compare ourselves to her and come up short and to make our tender little egos feel better, we use our mighty tongue to cut her down. And feel very justified, too. As if saying she is fat will make us skinny. As if saying she is ugly will change what we see in the mirror every day. As if naming that annoying trait she has, will make the same trait in us any less annoying.

Comparing and competing with another woman will never, ever, make you a better woman. Comparing and competing will never, ever, make close relationships. How can we be close when you are sizing me up all the time? So what if someone is a better cook than you? Or garners attention by walking in a room? Or has accomplished more? If you pride yourself on being the best cook, well, why are you priding yourself on being the best cook? If you need to be the belle of the ball in all situations, again, why do you need to be the belle of the ball in all situations? And more importantly, why, why, why does it make you feel small enough to lash out when another woman is better at these things than you?

Do you feel better after calling another woman names? Does it bring back your equilibrium to cut her down to the smallness you feel inside?

Words are powerful. And she hears you, whether you say them behind her back or not. Our collective Spidey-sense tingles when we are being talked about. I've walked in on women talking about me. And I assure you I knew it before I had the concrete evidence. And it is still wrong even if she “did” something to you. Because you should be talking to her, not about her. And certainly not dragging another woman on to your side.

It’s funny how we judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions and rationalizations, isn’t it?

As women, we talk a lot about love and friendship and accepting each other for who we are. Woman Power is great in the recesses of our minds. It’s really a great idea. We cling to it. But in the harsh light of reality, well, that’s a different story. The reality is that talking badly about other women is second nature. We say cruel things and laugh with our friends who accept that type of behavior from us. And I get it. It’s hard to hold our tongue. It’s hard to face that green monster that wells up inside us. It’s hard to look inside ourselves and find out why we are so threatened in the first place. It’s hard. But, we do know and understand that our words will knock her around a bit. That we want her Spidey-sense to tingle. We want her off her game. So, we use our words to tear her down. To knock her off the pedestal we’ve inadvertently put her on.

Are you one of those women? Are you?

Why?

And the answer is deep within each of us.

We are all guilty. I encourage you to find out your ‘why’ and then work to change it.

Because we are better than that. Because Woman Power is real and we should be using the power we have to build up, to elevate, to encourage. Or just to give credit where credit is do. "Man, she's a great ________!" Done, and moving on.

We have to stop believing that if we tear another woman down, that will lift us up. That if we politely isolate them, it will keep them from being whatever it is that threatens us.

Here’s some truth. We are showing our small pettiness by bad mouthing another woman. We are showing how jealous, how threatened, how insecure we are within ourselves when we bad mouth or ignore another woman.

God created you to be a unique and incredible woman. He gave you certain gifts and traits. You are a one of a kind. There is no one on the earth just like you. With all the women in this world though, someone will always be taller, skinnier, prettier, younger, a better cook, singer, dancer, writer, party planner, runner, friend, wife, mother. That shouldn’t threaten you. That’s just math.

The next time your feel threatened, stop. Applaud her. Instead of whispering to a friend that she is (insert your negative adjective here), whisper how great she is at whatever is threatening you. Quit sizing yourself up by her. Allow her to be great. And I’m not talking about that false flattery thing that we do. We shower her with words and hold malice in our heart. No. I’m talking about being okay with who we are enough to know that giving some powerful words to another woman won't diminish us.

Proverb 18:21 says:

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

We need to use the power of our tongue to build up, to elevate, to encourage and we will then understand that we don't feel so threatened anymore. We can tame the insecurity inside of us and the fruit will be that our relationships with other women will thrive. 

And I have to believe, in our words, our positively powerful words, maybe, just maybe, we can change the world.

On The Whole30

As Americans, we have a very unhealthy relationship with food. It starts in early childhood when we are given food “rewards” for good behavior. Then in our teen years we let the TV tell us what to eat. If we eat or drink their “food” we will be popular, loved, and our life will be an exciting adventure.  Our family years bring the idea of “comfort” food, which likens us back to the food as reward we learned as children. If we’ve had a bad day, ice cream, pizza, cookies, or whatever other food we see as comfort awaits to ease our pain.

We are so brainwashed about “food” that we believe the lie that it is too much trouble to cook our own meals. Pre-packaged food is the ideal. If we can pull it out of the fridge or freezer and be eating in less than five minutes we have reached the pinnacle. Grab and go has fueled a multi-billion dollar fast food industry…and it’s growing.  Soda has gone from an occasional treat to something we are quite addicted to. We guzzle it down like water. Another multi-billion dollar and growing industry. 

When I was in the fifth grade I remember going through the lunch line and seeing a poster of several children in a park. They were drawn in outline and filled with all sorts of good, nutritious food and the caption was “You Are What You Eat”. I remember staring at the poster and then said to my friend behind me, “If we are what we eat, I’m a peanut butter sandwich.”

And it’s true…we are in fact what we eat. A fact that should horrify us with all the chemicals, pseudo food, dyes, fillers, preservatives, sodium and sugar that is in our food. These things are added to addict us...to keep us buying what they are selling. But, we are happy in the lies that are being fed to us on a regular basis. McDonald’s still reigns even though the amount of actual food in their food is minuscule. 

I had heard of the Whole30 about six years ago when I started seeing it pop up on Facebook. Some of my friends were doing it and I gave them hearty cheers, but, I was too busy at the time to even try to ponder what it was about.

Then, last year, my friend Lori walked in to church one day looking like a million bucks. She always looked great but I knew, like myself, she was struggling with the joys of being ‘our age’. The inexplicable weight gain; the stiffness; the dull skin. She seemed to be glowing and I asked how she had achieved this transformation. She explained the Whole30 to me and since I was stuck in the daily struggle of pain, the idea that I could eat to reduce inflammation was like a light-bulb over my head.

So, in a nutshell, the Whole30 is the idea that we truly, truly, are what we eat. By eating whole foods and by eliminating certain foods that are known to cause inflammation, depression, disease, etc., we can change our relationship with food; change how our body uses food; and in essence, change ourselves. You do it for 30 days and then slowly reintroduce the eliminated foods to see how your body reacts. By doing this you will discover what foods cause that dreaded inflammation or depression or joint pain. You discover your body and how it functions and processes the food you feed it. Brilliant.

Now, it was daunting to me at first. I focused on what I couldn’t have…no dairy? Are you kidding? How the heck would I drink my morning coffee without half and half? No sugar? How would I get over that chocolate craving that seemed to strike after every meal? And isn’t dark chocolate good for you? No grains? What about my toast and morning cereal?

Lori encouraged me to go buy “It Starts with Food”* and the “Whole30”* as both would explain the whys and hows of the program. So, my initial conversation with her was in October and I went and bought the books in April…that’s how long it took me to get my brain ready. And I think that is key.

My reason for attempting it was simple. I could no longer deal with the daily pain of my back. I knew that this eating plan was not going to heal my twisted spine, but if it could reduce the inflammation in my body, I knew my pain would lessen. That, in and of itself, was reason enough for me to try it.

In preparation, I did read the books. I cleared my kitchen of anything that wasn’t Whole30 approved. I bought food and outlined what recipes I was going to use for the first week. Their Whole30 cookbook is packed full of great recipes so getting stuck for ideas on what to eat wasn't going to be a problem. I read their ‘what to expect’ so I would know just that, another key issue for me, and on the planned day, I began.

Now, for time’s sake I won’t give you a daily or weekly blow by blow of how I did on the plan. I will say that I followed it to a T. I read labels. I kept going when I had severe tummy troubles. I was not going to be dissuaded. By week two, I had no cravings, didn’t miss any of the eliminated foods, and felt no pain in my back or joints.

I did do one cheat…in week two I stepped on the scale. One of the rules is that, since this is not a diet, you are to banish the scale. But, my clothes were looser, my face looked thinner, and I. Had. To. Know. So, I hopped on the scale and was thrilled to see a 4lb drop.

But, I was more thrilled by the fact that I had no back pain. I had no headaches. My joints were fluid and flexible. I had energy. Someone mentioned that I was glowing. Yeah, baby!

The remaining two weeks went by quickly. I had gotten into a routine of choosing recipes, prepping, cooking, and always being ready. I noticed that since I was eating healthy, whole foods, when my body had burned off what I had fed it, I was hungry. Like stomach growling hungry. Knowing I was giving my body the fuel and energy it needed and it would actually tell me when it needed more was kind of awe inspiring. God knew what He was doing when He created these bodies we live in. And, I was (finally) in control of food, not the other way around.

In the last few days my biggest test came. The Ireland Mission team was holding a bake sale to raise still needed funds. As a member of this team, I steeled myself. I would be baking a ton of goodies and I am a cookie-dough eating, Ineedtotastethistomakesureitsgood type of baker. I decided to make some banana bread muffins with coconut flour and coconut oil and when they came out of the oven they looked like very dense, very hard hockey pucks. Almost without thinking, I ate one to see if they were sell-able. And I felt horrible, not physically, but mentally. I was on day 27 and the rules state I should start over, but I just couldn’t. The issue was the sugar in the muffins. I sent Lori a text and she encouraged me and told me to focus on what I had learned and what I had accomplished.

And it really made me realize I didn’t want to have that food anyway. I baked four dozen cookies and other goodies and wasn’t even tempted. During the whole bake sale I didn’t even lick my fingers when frosting got on them. That one stumble kept me going through the remaining days.

I am in the reintroduction phase now and it is going well. I find I don’t really want to add back in some food groups. I have gone back to half and half in my coffee, and did treat myself to some good quality ice cream, but food doesn’t have that control over me any longer. I no longer crave sugar. I haven’t bought any chocolate for my daily “treats”. I no longer see food as “treats”. I am treating my body well. At the store the other day, I saw ripe pineapples and my mouth began to water. I look forward to cooking and I look forward to how I feel afterward. Not bloated. Not so full. Not like I need to spend time on the couch to recover.

And the not being in pain is absolutely amazing.

So, here’s what I learned…in no particular order.

·        Learning that food is fuel for your mind and body is powerful information.

·        Eating protein at every meal is the key. I never realized how little protein I actually ate before…no wonder I always felt hungry.

·        Sugar is hidden in our food…from 22g in a Whooper to 15g in sausage.

·        Reading labels is absolutely necessary to know what is actually in our food.

·        Realizing you are using food as a crutch for your emotions is equally powerful information.

·        Avocados are good in everything.

*     I love steak!

·        I eat way more food than I used to.

·        Total weight loss is 6lbs.

·        People don’t like when you try to change your life.

·        People change their minds about not liking you trying to change your life when they see you transform.

·        It took two weeks to develop the habit of planning, cooking, and eating well.

·        Food is not “bad”.

·        You have to decide to do this on your own.

·        Knowledge is power.

 Salmon over mango salsa with roasted veggies.

 Talapia salad with grilled veggies.

Quick lunch of salmon cakes, grilled avocado, tomatoes, and yellow peppers.

So, my Whole30 journey has been very positive. I feel great and my life truly did change in just thirty days. I would encourage everyone to make your life better and it really does start with food.

Happy eating!

*It Starts with Food by Dallas Hartwig & Melissa Hartwig

*The Whole30 by Dallas Hartwig & Melissa Hartwig

On Never Running Again

 I have always known that at last I would take this road.

But, yesterday, I did not know it would be today.

I read that Kenneth Rexroth poem in college (from his book, One Hundred Poems from the Japanese) and it always stuck with me. The inevitability of life. That there were certain roads we would all have to take, but youth or pride or youthful pride, made us think that the road was very far away.

And it is.

Until it isn’t.

Then, you must face it and you must deal with whatever lies on that road.

These musings came to me today as today is the day that I understand and, more importantly accept, that I will never run again. I will never again be a ‘runner’. I will never again know the joy of lacing up my sneaks and hitting the road. Of sprinting. Of pounding out some miles to clear my head. Of feeling that delicious burn in my lungs. Of talking to God as I settle in to my pace.

And, yes, I knew this day would come. But, truly, I thought I would be 77 and running would just not be a good idea anymore. I never thought I would be taken out by a slightly twisted spine.

Know I’ve done everything possible to make this not so. I’ve been to numerous physical therapists, a spine specialist, an acupuncturist, a chiropractor, done massage, and even read a book that was guaranteed to heal me. I’ve heard endless stories of how people beat their own back injury.

But, one leg is shorter than the other and the twist in my spine makes my pelvis splay outward on the opposite side. Each therapist, etc, has told me that running is not a good idea. That if I continue to do it, I will cause irreparable damage. I can honestly say that I hit that space years ago. I am in the irreparable damage now...it is here. So, the goal is to get me to be able to live life with the minimum amount of pain. The list is long of athletic type things I’ll never be able to do again. Everyday stuff, too.

I’ve been in denial for quite a while. I normally bounce back quickly from injury and I just didn’t want to believe that an accumulation of random incidents from my life could take me out. Gymnastics. A bike crash here. A fall there. The way I walk. The way my body adjusted to a shorter leg and a twisted spine.

I don’t want limits on my life! I want my body to do what I ask it to do! I don’t want to be a pudgesicle!

But, alas, today is the day I have to walk on this new road. And I really, really, really don’t want to. It brings up too many questions I have no answers for…who am I if I am not athletic? How will I adjust to a non-athletic body? How will I pump myself up to think of walking as exercise? What am I going to do with all these water bottles? Who invented liquid soap and why? (My undying love and affection if you get the movie reference.)

And I know I will do what I am not supposed to do…I will go for a run. If I can never run again, the last run is going to be on my terms. It is the last bit of control I have in the situation. It will hurt. It will set back my therapy. But, it will be done. I will gather myself and go out alone and run. No dogs. No music. I will say good-bye. I will bid a fond farewell to something I have done all my life. I will let  it go with as much grace as I can muster.

Just me, God, and the pounding of my shoes on the pavement.