So, today is Valentine’s Day and
with this day comes talk of love and what it means. And it means different
things to different people, which really is the crux of all relationships,
right? The messiest of break-ups, whether in a friendship or a romantic
attachment, comes from the two parties not getting their idea of love met. The
struggle or angst comes because each party believes their way is the right way
and they can’t understand why the other person isn’t adopting their viewpoint.
Case in point, a few years ago I
was strolling through the mall with a guy I really, really liked. As we walked
past a jewelry store (in mid-January) on the way to the movie theatre he said
this:
“I hope you’re not one of those
chicks who expects jewelry every time some holiday comes around. Or flowers or
whatever you chicks are told you need to get from guys so you know they like
you. And I don’t do Valentine’s Day, so if you’re expecting some grand evening,
forget about it. You know I like you and I don’t need to buy you jewelry or
anything else, so if you like that kind of stuff, you might as well just break
up with me now, cause it ain’t going to happen.”
(And this is pretty much a direct
quote, because I recited it to my friends so much, I still remember it after
all these years.)
I shrugged my shoulders and said,
“Done.” Then turned and walked away. And this I remember too, we were still
holding hands, so as I walked he kept holding on, until I had to turn around and
flick my eyes at him, then my hand, then back at him again. “Why are you
leaving?” he asked. “Cause you’re a douche,” was all I could think of to say.
Of course he called and called
and couldn’t believe I was breaking up with him over Valentine’s Day. But the
thing was, it had nothing whatsoever to do with Valentine’s Day. It had to do
with his very selfish viewpoint. It had to do with the way he thought about
relationships and love. It was about him.
His viewpoint. His likes or dislikes. It never occurred to him to ask me my
thoughts on the subject, he just very douche-ily told me his and expected me to
fall in line. Um, no.
Because that is not what love
and/or relationships mean to me. To me, love is a verb. It is an action toward
others. It is not selfishly motivated. It is about giving, but not giving with
the agenda to then receive. To just give.
We’ve all seen what a
relationship looks like when it is run by a selfish person; when it is all
about them and what they want and what they need and what they perceive to be
love. These people crab incessantly about their significant other and what that
person is not doing for them, they crab about this person not making them
happy, or fulfilled, or whole.
And here’s what I believe; if you are not happy or fulfilled or whole,
that is 100% your fault. And shame on you for putting your expectations of
happiness, fulfillment, and wholeness on another human being.
Because looking to someone else
to complete you, besides making you a selfish crab, can make you compromise your
beliefs or wants to just be in a relationship. I have a dear friend in CA who
wants, very much, to get married. She met a guy at church and has compromised
her beliefs to stay in the relationship. They are living together and she
doesn’t think he’ll ever make the commitment to marriage. And why should he?
He’s getting everything he wants, right? She doesn’t see the disrespect this
‘christian’ guy is showing her by asking her to compromise her beliefs. Her
witness as a follower of Jesus is tainted and sadly, if they continue in this
relationship or do get married, what other compromises is he going to ask of
her?
And as much as I have seen (and
been in) dysfunctional relationships, I have seen (and been in) wonderful ones
where the connections are strong and purposeful.
As I go through this time of
singleness, I have great examples of strong relationships, not perfect
relationships, but strong relationships. Where you see the love, you see the
commitment, you see the other person drive them crazy and you watch them handle
it with selflessness and grace. And yes,
sometimes this comes in a box of candy and flowers on February 14th,
but mostly it comes in the day to day exchange of what life is made up of.
Jobs, kids, worries, health issues. Life.
The Bible tells us repeatedly
that our love is for others. Love isn’t love till you give it away, as the old
song says, and as I live this life, I see how true it is. Being loved is a
wonderful, wonderful thing…and I don’t just mean romantic love, which is so
glorious, but the love of a good friend, the love of a good dog, the love of
our families. But, when we
give our love away, to that romantic love, or that good friend, or that good dog, or that family member, our hearts seem to soar outside our bodies and takes on
a life of its own.
Because love IS a verb.
It is an action for others. It is
kindness in the grocery store aisle or on the roads of Tucson. It is a smile
for the homeless guy who sells you a paper. It is putting the toilet seat down
because you know how much she hates it up. It’s watching him put together an
old beater car because it is his passion. It’s accepting others who don’t look
like you. It is the God of all sending His son out of heaven to earth.
We all long for and look for
love. It’s in our DNA. As a Christian, I understand that God is love, a phrase
that is said so much that the meaning is all but gone. But, when I stand before
Him on Judgment Day, He will say, “she has sinned greatly and deserves death,
but I, being perfect, took her sins and already died in her place, I washed her
sins away.”
Or in the words of dctalk…and rap
this with me now, “Gave up His life so that we may live, how much more love can
the son of God give? Here is the example that we ought to be matching, cuz love
is a word that requires some ac-tion!”
Be a verb today. Go. Give. Love.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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