On The Worldly Church

Here are a few things that may shock a few Christians...

There are no cliques in heaven. There are no special areas for Christians who were married or worked a ministry at church. Teaching pastors don’t get ushered to the head of the line with a spot light on them. That person you don’t like at church? How will you react to them when you see them in heaven? Let’s hope not the same way as when you see them in church. 

Why? Well...

Heaven hurts about your clique. Heaven grieves that you are using marriage as a way to look down on those who are single (or divorced). Heaven is saddened by the fact that you use your position in ministry to treat people with disdain. Heaven weeps when a teaching pastor separates himself from the flock and instead surrounds himself with an entourage. Heaven is heartbroken when you gossip in the coffee bar before service starts.

As Christians, we are supposed to live repentant lives. Our sin should break our hearts, but the world has crept into our churches and what once would have been troubling behavior, is now the norm. We’ve adopted the worldly view of “well, I have a really good reason for doing what I’m doing” and the ever popular “it’s not my fault”. The world makes excuses. The world does not take responsibility for its actions and sadly, the church is following suit.

So, we live with our boyfriends or girlfriends, view porn, gossip, exclude people, curse, have affairs, divorce without cause, show our dislike for others, use crude language, ignore the poor, steal, use our position within the church to dismiss people, judge, and so many other worldly behaviors there truly just isn’t enough space.

And we do it all because we think we are okay. “Everybody gossips,” you’ll say to yourself. But, a gossip never sees the damage he or she does to the person they are gossiping about, and if you think the object of your gossip doesn’t know you are gossiping about them, oh how wrong you are. The gossip just feels the superiority high that gossip gives them. They are accepted by the other people in church they gossip with and get props for doing it, so in their mind, there is nothing wrong with it. The feelings of the person they gossip about are of no concern.

That is how sin works. It is deceptive. It is simple. It speaks to our pride and insecurities and tells us we are okay having sex with a computer. There is no one being hurt here. We’ll be able to have a healthy relationship with those around us, it doesn’t matter. What goes into your mind doesn’t come out in your life. No one will know.  Go ahead.

Sin is silky smooth when it tells us to hate that person and treat them with disdain. Never mind that we don’t really know them. They irritate or annoy us, right? Show them how you feel with your not so subtle way of ignoring them. Or smile at them when they approach and then hold your breath and hope someone doesn’t mention a bunch of you are going to dinner, because my goodness, dinner would be ruined if they joined in. It’s all about you and how you feel. As long as your little world doesn’t have discomfort, it’s okay.

The lies of sin keep us entrapped in our justifications. I mean, come on! Those homeless ‘people’ are an eye sore, really. They have no business clogging our medians or our downtown. If they just stopped mooching off us tax paying citizens and went and got a job then they wouldn’t be homeless anymore. It’s their choice to be where they are, after all.

And I get it. Our churches are no longer holy sanctuaries, but are more like worldly high schools. We all want to belong and be included. We even have 'campuses'. And we become people who think we are the ‘cool’ kids looking down on those we deem ‘uncool’.  We make big deals of ourselves because we’ve belonged to the church for a long time and know all the right families and work in ministry and know all the right people. We pick and choose who we feel belongs and those who we feel don’t and then treat them accordingly. We laugh louder in the sanctuary and hold court so others will notice how much we belong. And we feel perfectly justified doing it.

And although we may know that so and so are living together, or you know who is addicted to porn, or that group over there are vicious gossips, we don’t say anything, because it’s so, well, normal.

So, since we are right and okay and justified in our sin, we have no need to repent. Repent from what? We aren’t doing anything wrong. Sin no longer breaks our hearts and in our refusal to see our sin, the heart we break is Gods. Repentance is a deep sorrow for a wrongdoing that brings on change, and we seem to be missing the sorrow that brings the change.  Where is the painful understanding that our behavior is hurting not only other people, but Jesus Himself?

On this, the holiest week for Christians, we keep Jesus nailed on the cross with our unrepentant sin and the casual attitude we have adopted for it. We tell Him our sin doesn’t matter. It is inconsequential. We praise His name and continue doing the very things that hung Him there. Is this why He says of some, “Away from me, I never knew you?”

And repentance really isn’t spoken about in the church any more. Another worldly component that has snuck in is our not wanting to offend anyone. We don’t want to make people feel badly about the sin in their lives. It may be spoken about in a message, say about sexual immorality, but nine times out of ten, the pastor will finish by saying Jesus loves you and therefore doesn’t condemn you.  Which is true, but I can’t help but feel we are leading them right up to a way to get out of the strangle hold of whatever sin entraps them and instead, leading them around it, down the garden path. We seem to forget that He said, "Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more".

Because to repent, we must tackle our sin, and in tackling our sin, we have to go through the tough stuff. We have to confront ourselves and that can be scary business. Why do we gossip? Why do we watch porn? Why do we live with each other outside of marriage? Why do we ignore people we judge to be beneath us? Why do we judge? Why do we steal? Why?

If we tip-toe around repentance and not do the hard work required to eradicate sin from our lives, it will keep us entangled and away from the Jesus we are claiming to follow. That deep rooted sin in our life is keeping us from experiencing a deep relationship with the Savior of the World. It is again saying that the work of the cross meant nothing.

So, if we are keeping that sin in our lives…and I’m not speaking of a mistake or a stumble…I’m talking about a habit of porn or a lifestyle of living together outside of marriage or gossip and disdain as a way of life for us…if we are keeping that sin in our life, if we are making up excuses and keeping it close, Jesus is still hanging, broken and bloody, on the cross.

And the joy of the cross is that He came down, right? The next chapter is the glorious one…He rose. He conquered death! Our confessed sins went down with Him into the grave and when He walked out of that tomb, we are free from them forever.

That is why we rejoice on Easter Sunday. Halleluiah! 

On Loneliness

If you have read this blog at all, you know that the last year has been a tough one and I have openly shared what I am feeling. In doing so, I have hit a nerve. A nerve we seem to never talk about, ever. The nerve is loneliness.

The response to my piece ‘On Having a Bad Year’, where I touched briefly on loneliness, was very positive…people said some wonderful things and used words like “brave” “risk taker” “positive” to describe me. Except one. One person said they were worried about me; that I seemed negative (which is why they hadn’t been around—this person wanted to spend their time with positive people) and was generally just concerned by my posts and blogs. Mmm. Really?

I think this response is in line with how people feel about loneliness. They don’t like it, in themselves or others. It scares them. In our society, to admit you are lonely is not tres chic…it is social suicide. When you do, people feel sorry for you and then avoid you like the plague, lest it happen to them, too. Not all people of course. Some are able to admit their own loneliness and can encourage you. Some are afraid of how they will be perceived and then live this fear out in their behavior.

And I just wonder why? Why does loneliness have such a stigma? Yes, I get lonely sometimes, but that does not define me. Yes, loneliness can be painful, but what is wrong with that? Don’t we need the lows to see how high the highs really are? And what is wrong with saying I am lonely at times? Why do people turn away in horror that I have admitted such a thing?

Upon Googling “loneliness” I was quite surprised to find thousands of websites dedicated to it; quizzes you could take; definitions; causes; counseling centers for it; and many, many quotes. It seems loneliness is unique to everyone…what causes me to feel lonely will be different for you. And, not surprisingly, people deal with it in different ways. For me, I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. I am not crushed under its weight, although at times it brings me to my knees. It is not happening all day long, but, yes, it does creep in at times. And, so what?

Truly, so what?

If your response to me admitting that there is loneliness in my life, is to run the other way and think negative things about me, then I think that says more about you than it does me.

Because I know this about myself…I am not a wallower. I can name what I am going through, acknowledge that it hurts, and try my best to deal with it in a positive way. Do I gripe about it? Sure. Do I need to talk about it, too? Yep. But, if that offends you, well, I really don’t have anything nice to say about that.

Quite simply, I find it offensive that you would shun me for a feeling I am expressing. Because, that is not what friendship is all about. Friendship is about taking me for who I am and what I happen to be going through. Now, if I am taking my loneliness and wielding it like a sword and am being mean to you, then, and again this is where friendship kicks in, you should just speak to me about it, right? But, you would need to do that…speak to me. Not about me.

And I have discovered that expressing what you are going through, be it in a blog or face to face, weeds the true friends from the fair-weather friends. So, not only do you have to deal with what you are going through, but you have to deal with the pain of someone showing you they don’t like you right now. And, well, okay, if that’s who you want to be. But the flip side of that, of course, are the people who live out the meaning of friendship. They like you. They’re not offended by your feelings and are secure enough in theirs to know loneliness isn’t catchy.

I was speaking with a Christian friend the other day; we were lunching and she said that at times she is just so lonely. I recoiled in mock horror. “Repent!” I screamed at her. She laughed so hard her soda went up her nose. Then we both shook our heads…because as taboo as ‘loneliness’ is outside of church, inside it is very TABOO.

We Christians…Scheesh. It is so hard for us to live out grace. You’re lonely? Fine, keep it to yourself, cause if you dare say it, you’ll be rebuffed as a sinner or thought out of your right mind. Very few will take up that loneliness with you. And if they do, some will do it in a condescending way, as if they are doing a good deed. They have, of course, missed the point. They aren’t seeing a person with feelings; they are seeing, well, I’m not sure what they are seeing. I hope I never do.

Last week, I got really tripped up over a message at church, so tripped up that I emailed the pastor and said I was lonely at times and asked questions that weren’t his to answer, but you know what? He was so faithful…he not only answered with encouragement, but followed up with me this week after his message touched on the same thing.

And here’s the thing that this pastor understands; Jesus was lonely at times. Geez, with the Bickersons, er, I mean the disciples, arguing over who was the greatest and them just not getting it, His time here was fraught with lonely grief. And if God's Son felt the sting of loneliness, well, that means we all will, too.

Jesus’ example of not letting it define you or take you over is perfect. He prayed, He wept, He got on with what was before Him. And He comforted the lonely not with condescension or a reprimand, but with love and fellowship.

If you are someone who is feeling lonely, I pray that you will tell someone. I pray that the person you tell will not recoil from you, but will join you in that loneliness. And, if someone expresses loneliness to you, I pray you will not judge them or turn from them, but continue to treat them as you always have...because friendship isn't only for the good times, but for the sad and lonely times as well. 

And if you decide you'll just leave me alone while I go through this, and only come back when you perceive my life to be "better", you may be surprised to find my life no longer has room for you. Harsh? Maybe. But, this is life. And just as good times are coming my way, so too will another round of bad times. 

And I want friends who will mourn when I mourn and rejoice when I rejoice, because that is the type of friendship you'll always get from me. 

On the Meaning of Love

So, today is Valentine’s Day and with this day comes talk of love and what it means. And it means different things to different people, which really is the crux of all relationships, right? The messiest of break-ups, whether in a friendship or a romantic attachment, comes from the two parties not getting their idea of love met. The struggle or angst comes because each party believes their way is the right way and they can’t understand why the other person isn’t adopting their viewpoint.

Case in point, a few years ago I was strolling through the mall with a guy I really, really liked. As we walked past a jewelry store (in mid-January) on the way to the movie theatre he said this:

“I hope you’re not one of those chicks who expects jewelry every time some holiday comes around. Or flowers or whatever you chicks are told you need to get from guys so you know they like you. And I don’t do Valentine’s Day, so if you’re expecting some grand evening, forget about it. You know I like you and I don’t need to buy you jewelry or anything else, so if you like that kind of stuff, you might as well just break up with me now, cause it ain’t going to happen.”

(And this is pretty much a direct quote, because I recited it to my friends so much, I still remember it after all these years.)

I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Done.” Then turned and walked away. And this I remember too, we were still holding hands, so as I walked he kept holding on, until I had to turn around and flick my eyes at him, then my hand, then back at him again. “Why are you leaving?” he asked. “Cause you’re a douche,” was all I could think of to say.

Of course he called and called and couldn’t believe I was breaking up with him over Valentine’s Day. But the thing was, it had nothing whatsoever to do with Valentine’s Day. It had to do with his very selfish viewpoint. It had to do with the way he thought about relationships and love. It was about him. His viewpoint. His likes or dislikes. It never occurred to him to ask me my thoughts on the subject, he just very douche-ily told me his and expected me to fall in line. Um, no.

Because that is not what love and/or relationships mean to me. To me, love is a verb. It is an action toward others. It is not selfishly motivated. It is about giving, but not giving with the agenda to then receive. To just give.

We’ve all seen what a relationship looks like when it is run by a selfish person; when it is all about them and what they want and what they need and what they perceive to be love. These people crab incessantly about their significant other and what that person is not doing for them, they crab about this person not making them happy, or fulfilled, or whole.

And here’s what I believe; if you are not happy or fulfilled or whole, that is 100% your fault. And shame on you for putting your expectations of happiness, fulfillment, and wholeness on another human being.  

Because looking to someone else to complete you, besides making you a selfish crab, can make you compromise your beliefs or wants to just be in a relationship. I have a dear friend in CA who wants, very much, to get married. She met a guy at church and has compromised her beliefs to stay in the relationship. They are living together and she doesn’t think he’ll ever make the commitment to marriage. And why should he? He’s getting everything he wants, right? She doesn’t see the disrespect this ‘christian’ guy is showing her by asking her to compromise her beliefs. Her witness as a follower of Jesus is tainted and sadly, if they continue in this relationship or do get married, what other compromises is he going to ask of her?

And as much as I have seen (and been in) dysfunctional relationships, I have seen (and been in) wonderful ones where the connections are strong and purposeful.

As I go through this time of singleness, I have great examples of strong relationships, not perfect relationships, but strong relationships. Where you see the love, you see the commitment, you see the other person drive them crazy and you watch them handle it with selflessness and grace.  And yes, sometimes this comes in a box of candy and flowers on February 14^th, but mostly it comes in the day to day exchange of what life is made up of. Jobs, kids, worries, health issues. Life.

The Bible tells us repeatedly that our love is for others. Love isn’t love till you give it away, as the old song says, and as I live this life, I see how true it is. Being loved is a wonderful, wonderful thing…and I don’t just mean romantic love, which is so glorious, but the love of a good friend, the love of a good dog, the love of our families. But, when we give our love away, to that romantic love, or that good friend, or that good dog, or that family member, our hearts seem to soar outside our bodies and takes on a life of its own.

Because love IS a verb.

It is an action for others. It is kindness in the grocery store aisle or on the roads of Tucson. It is a smile for the homeless guy who sells you a paper. It is putting the toilet seat down because you know how much she hates it up. It’s watching him put together an old beater car because it is his passion. It’s accepting others who don’t look like you. It is the God of all sending His son out of heaven to earth.

We all long for and look for love. It’s in our DNA. As a Christian, I understand that God is love, a phrase that is said so much that the meaning is all but gone. But, when I stand before Him on Judgment Day, He will say, “she has sinned greatly and deserves death, but I, being perfect, took her sins and already died in her place, I washed her sins away.”

Or in the words of dctalk…and rap this with me now, “Gave up His life so that we may live, how much more love can the son of God give? Here is the example that we ought to be matching, cuz love is a word that requires some ac-tion!”

Be a verb today. Go. Give. Love.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

On When I Became a Christian

I became a Christian in 1987 and before that I was, um, how would I say this…diabolically opposed to Christians. I made fun of them. Argued with them. Made certain they knew how distasteful I thought they were. Ridiculed them. Heckled them. I once sat at a Christian wedding  (it was my cousin who was getting married) and made fun of the entire ceremony even going so far as to “marry” my friend Brad, who went with me, to show just how ludicrous I thought the whole thing was. Loudly. We were laughing  and repeating sarcastically what the Pastor was saying. We even announced to the happy couple that we too got “married” and proceeded to call each other “husband” and “wife” for the next 10 years of our friendship. We thought it was so funny to introduce each other to anyone we dated this way. And this was one of my milder antics.

When I lived in Manhattan, there was a guy who continually tried to get me to sleep with him. And, yup, he was a Christian. And engaged. I would argue with him all the time asking him how he could be a “Christian” and behave the way he did? I would point out that I was not a Christian but had better morals than he did. He would defend himself by saying that Jesus loved him no matter what, to which I would say that is the stupidest thing I had ever heard. “Do you mean to tell me you can do whatever you want and Jesus just forgives you?!” He would answer that Jesus can forgive anything and I would snort my dissent. “You’re not a very good advertisement for your religion,” I told him. “It’s a relationship, not a religion,” he responded. “Well, you’re not being a very good person in your “relationship” to Him or your girl,” I spat back, doing the air quotes in a mocking way when I said “relationship”. That seemed to hit him hard and I was very proud of myself for showing him what a hypocrite he was and prouder still that I wasn’t stupid enough to fall for this religion.

This is not to say that I had never believed in God. When I was a little girl we went to the Episcopal Church. I had gone through Catechism and the like and talked to God all the time.  The times I felt closest to God was not in church, for goodness sake I used to make up gymnastic routines in my head during the sermon. It was when I was just talking to Him; asking Him things, praying for my family when I felt a closeness with Him. During the sermon, it seemed to me, we just got yelled at and told how horrible we were and who wants to hear that?

But, in my youth, I also mistakenly thought that if I was good and kept close to Him that nothing bad would ever happen to me. And, well, that’s not the case. Within a few years everything that I loved and held dear was taken away and I got mad at God. It wasn’t huge things, in retrospect; my gymnastics career ending because of injury and losing the boy I loved, but for a 16 year old girl, it was the world. So, by the time I was in college, and heard about Jesus from a Christian perspective, I just didn’t want to hear it. Tried that, He’s mean, no thanks.

The way Christians behaved clearly was a hurdle for me.  Jim and Tammy Baker and their huge PTL ministry were big at this time and my nose automatically wrinkled in distaste every time I heard or saw anything about them. They were all about money and hatred, and I just couldn’t align myself with anything so icky. Anybody who had to hide under that mask of make-up was up to no good, I would always say. And, of course, we all know the history. When their world all fell apart, I was right there mouthing off to yet another Christian who happened to be in my life. She smiled at me kindly and said, “You shouldn’t blame God for what people do in His name.”  She explained that God loved me (whatever!) and if I really wanted to know Him, I should learn about Him, not take my cues from people.  She stressed God wasn’t about manipulation or hypocrisy at all, but that yes, some of His followers were.

We ended up having a nice conversation and a week or so later someone on campus handed me a mini Bible that only had the New Testament in it.

For whatever reason, I started to read that mini Bible, but the more I read, the more questions I had about things. And here was my dilemma…how did I ask one of my Christian friends a question without getting preached at? I’d heard the whole “you’re a sinner and going to hell” thing and, let me just say this now, no one has ever wanted to follow Jesus being told this. So, I would try and ask questions in a roundabout way and I quickly found out which Christians were the hell and damnation Christians and which ones just honestly answered my questions. They also steered me toward some incredible books and I did a lot of research.

As I read more and had more questions answered, one of these Christians suggested I go to church with them. It took me a while, but I started to go. At this time I was living with my fiance and he was going on this journey with me. We would talk about the Bible and slowly, we had to start talking about Jesus. He seemed to jump in pretty quickly, but I resisted.

Honestly, Jesus was the hold up for me. All of these Christians I didn’t respect talked about Jesus. Jesus this and Jesus that and He was really more of a caricature to me than anything else. But, the Bible said He was real. Not only real, but God. The God. The Alpha. The I Am.  The Redeemer. The Savior.  And I couldn’t wrap my brain around the thought that He knew me and loved me. Was it pride? Was it arrogance on my part? Or could I just not believe I was deserving? Was it unbelief in Him or myself?

As I continued to go to church, I understood that the next step was to start praying. I read that if I had questions, I could ask Him and He would answer, and well, let’s put that to the test. I would pray about a question and then go to church and low and behold wouldn’t that be what the pastor was talking about that day. I’d look around and try to find out who told him? Who told that pastor I had that question? This would happen over and over again…it still happens to this day, I might add.

Yet, I still resisted. I had all the knowledge, I had all the evidence, but I wasn’t ready to jump. I immersed myself in all things that would help me learn and one was the radio. I would listen to Christian sermons on my way to the U. Now, I was always late and parking was ridiculous. Even if I was on time, I would end up being late because I couldn’t find a parking spot. So, one day I got so mad I started yelling to God…’okay, you’re supposed to be there for me in even the smallest situation? Prove it! Find me a freakin (I didn't say 'freakin') parking spot!’ As soon as the words were out of my mouth, someone pulled out of a primo spot. Did I say ‘thank you’? Nope. In my mind, there had not been enough time for Him to answer; I had just gotten lucky.

And then, every day for a week, that same primo spot would open up just as I pulled in to that lot. Every day. At different times. By the fifth day, I sat there crying in my car, because I knew it could only be God. And several truths hit me; He does love me, He cares about me, He is real. The last one is what brought the tears. He is not a caricature; He died for me. Stupid, sinner me who would demand a parking spot from the Creator of the universe. I’m lucky He takes us where we are, because truly, a bolt of lightning is what I deserved. But, He was gracious and gave me what I needed to understand Him.

My life changed pretty quickly after that. The Bible tells us that when you become a Christian, a veil is pulled back from your eyes; suddenly, the mysteries of the Bible and of God Himself are revealed to you. And that certainly was my experience. Passages or concepts I really couldn’t understand suddenly were clear to me.

I moved out of the apartment I shared with my fiancé and within a few months felt God leading me to break up with him. I heard God’s call on my life and seemed to know instinctively which way to go. I learned a lot about faith and what it meant to lean not on my own understanding. Becoming a Christian gave me a peace and calmness that people noticed. I spoke freely of this change and (surprise!) faced the scorn and biting tongues of people who didn’t believe. My biting tongue was gone, replaced by understanding…I certainly knew where they were coming from.

And, this is how I know God is gracious and forgiving and changes people, because my goodness I was a mouthy little brat! And God used that fact.

A few months after I got saved, my friends and I went to a Billy Idol concert. It was a great show and as we were leaving, we were singing and dancing when we encountered a group of people yelling, “Worship God, not Billy Idol!” They were right in our faces and screaming in anger. And that made me mad. The girl who yelled at me got a big surprise when I stopped. I shook my head, “No, you’re wrong,” I said. “You are making judgments, which Matthew tells us in wrong. You don’t know my heart or anyone else’s heart. It’s wrong for you to assume because we are at a concert that we don’t know the Living God. And enjoying Billy Idol’s music doesn’t mean we are worshiping him…shame on you for your judgments!” She looked startled at my words and as the crowds pushed us away I heard her yell, “God loves you!” to the crowd, which in my mind was much, much better. Because it was truth.

So, this was my beginning to following Jesus. His truths are what hold me together; what has gotten me through the most horrendous of times. He amazes me and His miracles still surprise me.

And, yes, I still sometimes pray for a parking spot when I am late!

On Worship

I became a Christian in 1987 and when you become a Christian, a whole world suddenly opens up to you, as if a veil has been peeled back from your eyes. You begin to learn and words that once had no meaning, become very, very important.

Looking back, I consider myself very lucky that the church I was attending at the time, regularly gave a definition of what worship is and what was expected from me, the worshiper. The pastor spoke of the reverence that must, absolutely must, be present when we worship. Of how Jesus spoke in John 4 of how we must worship in spirit and truth. And of how He quotes Isaiah saying how people are worshipping in vain because their worship is outward only. This pastor was passionate about trying to keep worship as our way of showing God the respect He deserves, and you could see his heart break when it was treated as the time to socialize with your friends before the message started. He spoke boldly and I always appreciated that he did. He gave his expectations and created a culture that gave us the Biblical examples of how to conduct ourselves before God.

Over the years, I have seen some churches give the worship time its appropriate reverence and I have seen some churches truly seem to use it as filler before the message. And I wonder why, since Jesus Himself spoke of the Holiness of worship, why more pastors aren’t bold and why they don’t teach on its reverence?

I attended a church with some friends this past November and was truly awed by how they conducted their service. The service started at 4:30 on a Saturday evening. When we arrived at 4:15, the parking lot was full, but the foyer was empty. I didn’t see anyone really milling around, which I thought was kind of strange. Then we walked into the sanctuary. It was packed. So packed in fact, we had a hard time finding three seats together. Fifteen minutes before service even started! When 4:30 arrived, the lights went way down, the worship band walked out and heads were bowed. There was no ‘hey, how you doing church?’ or ‘let’s pray’. There were no lights spotlighting the band. One of them said a prayer and then they began to worship. The screens on the sides of the stage showed only the words of the songs we were singing, not the faces of the band. They played three or four songs and then the Pastor walked out and began his message.

So what awed me about this service? First, the worship portion and the message portion were not separated; they flowed from one to the other. Most of the time, there is a gap between the ‘music’ and the ‘message’ where announcements are given, we are told to greet one another, or sometimes a video is shown. None of these are bad things, but I liked that as I sang praises and my heart became full, I could take that right into hearing and learning God’s word. There was nothing to distract me away from why I was there; I worshiped God with my mouth and now I could continue to worship by hearing His word.

Second, the doors to the sanctuary were closed after the first song. If you were not in your seat, tough luck. If you did enter during the first song, you were escorted to an empty seat in the back by an usher so as not to disturb anyone. If you arrived after the first song, you were escorted to another room that had the service on big screens. Now, one of the things I struggle with in worship is the people who stream in during this time. When worship starts at the church I attend now, the place is sparse. By the end of worship, it is fairly full. So, all these people have come in during worship. And they talk. And they walk by you, even in your eyes are closed. They talk to their friends. They laugh. They walk to the front of the church, then turn around and look back for a seat. They talk. And it is all very, very distracting. And disrespectful to the God they are coming to see. I get the feeling some of these people want to make an entrance or want to be seen. This past Sunday, the row I sat in (which was four rows from the front) had bulletins on the seats to save them, so you know the people were there on time. But, in they walked, laughing and talking halfway through the first song. They seemed to make a show of hugging each other and discussing who should sit next to whom and once they got settled and actually started to sing, all their hands shot up in the air, a sign of praise. They continued to talk during the entire worship and I was completely distracted. 

The third thing I appreciated was that the lights went way down and that the screens only had the words on them. The lights stay on during our worship, well they dim them a little bit, so I close my eyes and try to make myself as small as possible. Worship to me is personal and private and I don’t like the idea that someone else can see me. I bow my head and put my hands in my pockets and sing softly, trying to block out the distractions. When the lights went down and the music started at this other church, I was free to praise Him without any bit of self-consciousness or distractions at all. I found that my hand was in the air, something I never do, and my voice was loud. And on a song I did not know, I was so very thankful that I didn’t see the worship bands faces on the screens. I’ve never understood why most churches put the worship band on the screen as well as the words to the songs. I don’t want to see them worship, any more than I want to be seen. And it almost feels as if I am singing to them, and I’m certainly not. I couldn’t pick any of the worship singers from this church out of a line-up and to me, that’s the way it should be.

And that is the other thing I really appreciated…the band itself. They did not tell me to clap, or sing it out, or stand up, or sit down, (we stood the whole time) or make some noise, or any of the other things most worship leaders tell you to do. And they didn’t do the thing that drives me absolutely crazy…they didn’t tell me the next line before they sang it. (Why do worship leaders do that? The words are on the screen…why are you telling me the line I’m about to sing?) The key here is; this band was worshiping as well. They were not performing. They understood that it is not their job to tell me how to worship. They understood it is not their job to get me ready to hear the word. They understood it is not their job to do a comedy routine or make us laugh or tell a funny anecdote. They expected us to worship. Period. They expected us to be ready. They expected us to sing our praises to the Lord; they just happened to be leading us by playing instruments and singing. They understood perfectly that it is the Holy Spirit that conducts worship and they provided an atmosphere where He could really move.

This church had it right. There was a culture that expected you to be there on time, to be ready to worship, to be ready to hear the word, to be expectant. It was sad to me that this isn’t normal among churches. As churches become bigger and they try and accommodate and please everyone, they seem to be moving God right out of the sanctuary. Why is it perfectly acceptable to stroll in late to church? Why is it perfectly acceptable to talk right up until message? Whom are we serving? Ourselves or God?

On Having a Bad Year

As I look back over this year, I feel so many different things; frustration, sadness, disappointment, loneliness.  It has been a difficult year all the way around and even having to write about it seems to give it more credit than I care to, but in writing, one has to deal with both the good and the bad. And, in writing, a catharsis can come when things held hidden are brought into the light.

As I review these past 365 days, I go straight to 1/1/13 and what a horrible day it had been and how it seemed to set the tone for the entire year. I was healing from my back injury from August and was feeling optimistic and happy. And then I fell. It was so stupid! I was making bread and was carrying cookie sheets into the kitchen and had turned my head to look at something and missed the step. Since my hands were full and I was at an angle, I fell smack on my right hip and shoulder…the exact two spots that had been injured in the first place. So, I started off the new year with a couple of curse words…not a good start at all.

And that is pretty much how my whole year has gone. Excited with expectations of wonderful things happening, but instead, having something not so good happen instead.

What I have felt keenest has been the loss of a close friendship. This happened in March, during Easter, and now, here at the end of the year, I’m not sure it will ever be the same. This was a ten year friendship that I would have sworn nothing could ever shake. In the simplest of terms, my feelings were hurt deeply, I was asked to say why, I did, and it was greeted with an amount of uncaring that I didn't believe possible.

And here’s why it still hurts; my character was never considered. Anyone who knows me at all knows that it takes a lot to make me mad or upset. They also know that if I do get mad or upset, I get over it quickly. My philosophy has always been, let’s talk it out and move on. Since I am someone who is not easily upset, shouldn't the fact that I AM upset speak volumes?

That is one of the problems with having a bad time, you really find out who your friends are. When you start to say words like “lonely” or “disappointed” people, well, some people, treat you differently. Like you've uttered words that have no business in polite society. Or suddenly you are not worth their friendship because you are not your usual happy-go-lucky self.

So, let’s tackle the big one…loneliness.  Just for grins, the next time you are having a bad day, say to someone that you are fighting loneliness, then watch their eyes. You will see alarm in them, like you have startled them somehow. And I have to wonder why? Everyone is lonely now and then and it is a valid emotion just like any other. Why such a stigma with loneliness? To me, it meant that I was mourning the loss of a good friend and that brings a void. Then when some of my sweetest friends up and moved out of Tucson, and my social circle dropped by half, well, yeah, I’m going to be lonely.

It doesn't mean that you should look down on me or that I am pitiable in some way. The most social person in the world can also be horribly lonely. It just means that I have told you how I am feeling. Maybe it means you should invite me out for lunch instead of judging me or fearing that if you are around me, you’ll catch my loneliness somehow. And for goodness sake, don’t use my loneliness as a way to feel good about yourself. You know who you are.

Another part of this year has been not being able to be physically active. I don’t think I can write another sentence about my stupid back or all the physical pain I’ve had this year, except to say that I am still not running or biking or swimming or kettle-belling. My spirit is raring to go, go, GO, but my body is still saying, not yet. Not yet.

The biggest heartache of the year, of course, was Phil dying. I know I have written about it many times since it happened, but I have to say, it hurts just the same as if it were yesterday. For anyone new, Phil was my son’s best friend, roommate, bandmate, co-worker, partner in crime and his death was so horrible that all involved are still reliving it and grieving it. I miss him terribly and it hurts me to see my son struggle so with it all.  One of Phil’s girlfriends came to pick up Michael one night when he was home for Christmas and collapsed in our driveway crying. And there was my brave son, consoling her while fighting though his own grief. He has nightmares where he relives the night, where he sees Phil but can’t get to him. As he was telling me this I asked if Phil has come to him yet.  He shook his head no. I told him once he does, it will get better, the dreams will subside, and Phil will help him move on.

Now, as a brief explanation, for anyone who has never lost someone, at some point, they come back to you. Before I had experienced loss, I didn’t believe this at all and when people would say things like this, I would smile politely but think that their imaginations are what visited them, not their dearly departed loved one. And then Jon died. He came to me quickly on a beach in San Diego and sometimes comes and turns off the water to the kitchen sink just as he did when he was alive. My Mom didn’t believe in this at all until this year, three years after my Dad had died, when she came home and a golf ball dropped right next to her ear, bounced once, and landed perfectly in a dish on a table a few feet away. She called me perfectly giddy and that was a turning point in her grief.

So, last week, a few days after our conversation, Michael came home and said that Phil had come to him in the most irritating way possible. Okay, so a little bit of backstory here; Phil was a sweater, like he would drip with sweat and it was gross and Michael would tease him about it and it is one of the things that brought us laughter in the days after he died; Phil and his sweat. So Michael lifts up his outer shirt and shows me a huge pit stain on his right side. I bit my lip trying not to laugh. It seems Michael is sweating uncontrollably, but from only his right pit. As he was ranting, I was doubled over laughing my head off because this is SO Phil. A practical joker to the end. So. Freakin. Funny.

This year has mostly been about clarifying for myself what friendship means. Who is a friend and who, sadly, isn't. It has been a year of being alone. Ack. Of realizing, that I am alone and learning to live with that, because, it is where I find myself right now. Alone. I went on two dates and neither were promising. My closest friends have never lived here, but close friends, the ones that have moved, have left a hole in my world. And without being able to run or ride or any other social exercise, that friend pool has all but dried up. So I have cherished the friends who remain; the friends who don't care that I have had a bad year. The friends who send me funny texts; the friends who still seek my council; the friends who make room for me in their life.

In the midst of all this pain and sorrow, I’ve had to learn a lot about myself. I’ve learned what I will and won’t put up with, even from close friends and family. I’ve learned that I would rather be alone than compromise who I am. (A sobering reality as I live that one out.) I've learned I would rather end a friendship than agree with you that it is okay to treat me in a way that hurts me. I know who I am, sorry if you understood that a bit too late.

I've learned that laughter can come at anytime from anywhere. I’ve learned that the people who ‘get’ you are gifts from God. I’ve learned what friendship is and isn’t and I’ve learned to cherish those who value it. I’ve learned to live with profound loss. And I’ve learned that a good hug can heal what ails you.

I've learned to rely on God and seek Him even when it seems He is not there or responding.

I've learned that in just about eleven hours from now, a new day, a new year, a new moon, is waiting.

New. Fresh. Begin.

Let’s go.

On Not Letting the Grinch Steal Your Christmas

It seems this time of year nice, normal people, suddenly turn into the Grinch. They Grinchily gripe about everything; the traffic, the rude people, how it’s all “too much”, and they proclaim gift giving as a waste of time and money. You see them frowning at you in the store and honking at you on the roads. They look as if they just sucked on a lemon and any sort of cheer on your part seems to send them over the edge as they glare at you with squinted eyes.

And it can be easy to start believing and adopting Grinchy ways yourself because, traffic is horrible; (where do all these people suddenly come from?!) people are rude everywhere, not just at Costco; gift giving can be tedious and one can start to believe that it is a waste of time and money; and I caught myself frowning at a super cheery bell ringer for no other reason than the person walking in front of me was looking at her phone and not walking fast enough into the mall. My reflection in the glass of the door made me stop and pause for a moment. I don’t want to be Grinchy and sour looking, I don’t want the irritations of this time of year to cloud the absolute joy I feel over this season. What I want is to spread that joy…and there is my choice…spread Grinch-iness or spread the joy of the season.

Now, I love this time of year. I love the trees, the lights, the get-togethers, the figuring out the perfect gifts for people, the music, the movies, Rudolf, Charlie Brown, the baking, the giving, and the story that makes it all happen in the first place.

You know that phrase we've all said at one point or another, “they think they are God’s gift”? And, ‘to the world’ has fallen off the end, but we all know it is implied. Well, Jesus was God’s gift to the world. A perfect gift. Which is why, to me, gift giving is not a waste of time and money. It represents this precious gift that was given on that Holy night. Love came down and humbled Himself to be born in a smelly ol barn. For you and for me and as Luke 2:10 says, “I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.” (emphasis mine)  All people. A gift for all people! The Messiah came down from heaven for all people, not just the Jewish people, as was thought. What a precious gift! Joy to the world! Indeed!

So, clearly, I love this time of year and want to spread that joy, but I also understand fully that this time of year can bring on loneliness and heartache. It can remind us of what we don’t have instead of what we do have. We miss horribly the people we have lost. Our lives don’t match up with our perceptions of what our friends have and most certainly not with the Norman Rockwell scenes in just about every TV commercial. And that can hurt. A lot. It can remind us of our aloneness and our isolation and that what we might think of ourselves all year long is true…that we don’t match up. And what if that is true? What if we don't match up? Here's where the 'for all the people' comes in. It didn't say for only the people who (look) like they have it all together. Nope. All the people means, well, ALL the people. For the happy, for the lonely, for the exceptionally sad, for the person who has everything. ALL. If you're sad, it's okay to be sad, even at this time of year. 

If you’ve read this blog at all, you know that this year has been especially difficult; my health issues, good friends moved away, Michael moved, and we lost Phil. We lost Phil. I still am reeling and missing and reliving and mourning. And within the last week, a betrayal and a black-balling from some family members was set to take the wind out of my sails.

But no. There is no place for strife. This is a time of forgiveness and acceptance. And in my sadness, and yes, loneliness, it is a time to perhaps break from tradition and spend time with people who really want to spend time with me. It is a time to really relish the season, because, sadly, no one is guaranteed another trip around the sun. I miss my Dad. I miss Jon. I miss Phil. I miss my Grammie. If your choice this season is to be spiteful and vindictive, well, shame on you. Time is ticking away and as I said, there are no guarantees you or I will be here to see another one.

So, open your eyes. See the wonder. Go find a homeless person and give them a coat and gloves. Buy them a breakfast burrito and some coffee. Clean out your closet and donate all the stuff you don’t wear anymore. Swallow your pride and figure out why you are hating on that family member or friend. Is it worth it? Hug someone.  Sing Christmas carols. Do something for someone else with no expectations of their returning the favor. Thank someone who has made a difference in your life. It’s Christmas. Do. Something. Do it with joy and your heart will sing. It will forget its loneliness and open like a flower to the sunshine. And then, don’t stop. Keep going and live your life in a way that the giving of the season will be a way of life for you the whole year through.

And if you start to feel a little Grinchy, remember, Love came down from heaven for you. Wonderful, perfect you.

Merry Christmas!