On Being Single

Yes, I’m single. At this age, I never thought I would be, but here I am, a single woman in her late 40’s. I state this fact because over the past few years I have noticed that other people are somewhat dismayed about my being single. They seem to think it is shameful somehow. And I always have wondered why?  I, and other singles, seem to have been put in a category…the “single” category. When I was married I invited people over who I liked hanging with…their marital status was never an issue. But, somehow, these days, being single seems to come with a stigma and nice as some married people are, they don’t want you around.  

I do have wonderful, fabulous married friends who don’t care that I am single and invite me to whatever they happen to be doing with their husband or wife…and that is normal to me...that’s the way it should be, right?  Friends invite friends over. But, there are some who don’t do this and who seem to forget they like me as a friend, but instead only see that I am single and seem to have to point out that I am single by not inviting me to certain things. One even said, “Once you get a boyfriend, you’ll be able to come out with us!”, like suddenly the leprosy scales of singlehood that she sees clinging to me would then fall away. Did she feel ashamed when she was single? People’s prejudices come from things that have nothing to do with me, but it still smarts.

And lest you think it wouldn’t happen in Christian circles, let me share this fun tidbit. I used to attend a home Bible study and there were always lots of families there. A few days after Valentine’s Day, one of the husbands told me that I had missed a great Valentine’s party at their house and wanted to know why I hadn’t come. Several wives looked away and shook their heads at him…he didn’t get it, of course, and kept going on and on about what a great party it had been and I sure should have been there. Well, the wife had never invited me. I wanted to ask the women what they would do w/ Jesus? He was single. Lazarus and his sisters were single. Paul was single. Would they have missed out on the Savior of the world and some of His most profound followers by being leery of their singleness? And what bothered them about my singleness? They knew I was struggling at the time…why single me out? No pun intended. Of course, I left as soon as I could and felt shame…which really pissed me off.

 And, my family. Sigh. It is implied ever so subtly that there is something wrong with me since I don’t have a boyfriend. They grasp at any hint of a male figure that is in my life. When my Dad was dying, and the house was full of my extended family, my friend Rob came to see him and when he left the whole house was a flutter. They were hugging me and saying (with a sense of relief) what a wonderful “boyfriend” I had. I said repeatedly that he was not my boyfriend but they just gave each other knowing looks and beamed at me with pride. See, if I have a boyfriend, then I am okay in their eyes…if not, I’m just someone to be pitied.

And I don’t see myself that way at all. I do not think I am any less a person because I don’t have a boyfriend (or husband.) I don’t feel any shame or think that I should hang my head in any way. I am a cool chick who is fun to be around and has a lot to share. I’m good company…for myself or for any of my friends who like to hang around me. I just happen to be single. I don’t need a man to validate me as a person and my self-worth doesn’t come from a male companion, yet, somehow, in our society, I am a less than. And people are pretty blatant about it…there were friends who never, ever asked me to their house for dinner although most of our friends had been there on more than one occasion. Until I started dating Jon. Then the invites started rolling in. Guess when they stopped? And I have never been invited back.

Although I do not pity myself for being single, I do have to say there are times when I am painfully lonely. There are times when being alone takes its toll on me and facing another night in front of the TV is almost more than I can stand. Going to church alone is also something that can be heartbreaking. Being a single Christian in this day and age is not a good thing as my previous story attests and there is usually a big pocket of space around me in a very crowded church…as if they think I will taint them somehow. Holidays are also tough; especially as the years go by and I face another one alone.

I miss being in a committed relationship and the wonderful closeness it brings. The secret language you have with that person; the peeling of layers when you are getting to know them; the little things they do that make them unique. I really miss having someone to discuss things with. And to do things with. And someone to zip me up. But, a longing for a relationship doesn’t make me think my present state is not valid. Or that I don’t have anything to give or contribute. I do and I do. What a waste of time it would be to not live right now…to just be in a holding pattern of some sort and take on the prejudices that others have about being single. I have really lived these past five years; I have traveled, made new friends, taken classes, done races, and have taken the time to work on myself. Priceless.

But, although I do want a relationship, I will not do the alarming thing that seems to be happening to young and old in our society right now. I will not be with someone just so I don’t have to be alone.

It is alarming to me the startling speed at which people go from relationship to relationship. It seems that a good time to be alone and connect with yourself before you move on is about two weeks. That seems to be the time frame society thinks is good. Two weeks. Your marriage just ended? Sign up for match and have a date and relationship by next weekend.  Just broke up w/ a long term boyfriend or girlfriend? Find someone else as quickly as possible and you’ll be living with them in no time. And people do. I just heard that a couple I used to do things with got divorced. I was so heartbroken until I heard that she is already remarried. I’m talking months here.  And the answer always is, “I can’t be alone.” Really? I’d (clearly) rather be alone than with the wrong person. And I just don’t fall in or out of love that fast.

I’ve dated and I will say right here that I am picky. I’m looking for a lifelong mate, not just someone to keep me company on a Saturday night, so if I don’t have that spark with you…and not just the physical attraction spark…the spark that makes your brain hum when you are with that person, then you are probably not the person for me. I’m also not going to live with you in lieu of marriage...I follow Jesus and He frowns on that sort of thing. Since I have dated, people are mystified why I don’t have a relationship yet.

Well, I’ve been on a date with a man who started every sentence with, “I hate it when women…” and would finish with, “you don’t do that do you?” And they were stupid things…like sing to a song in the car; wear makeup; like Cats. At the end of the date, I said that I did all those things so a second date wasn’t in the cards. Then there was the guy who kept telling me I was the most wonderful, intriguing, mysterious woman he had ever met…ten minutes after meeting me.  After the second date, I had had enough of that…don’t worship me till I’ve earned it, dude. There was the very nice acquaintance who wanted to set me up with someone she knew that was separated. I nicely told her that separated is still married and that I knew God had something better planned for me than someone else’s husband. There have been nice guys but no spark, and guys w/ spark and nothing else, so no relationship. But, people hate that I haven’t settled down with one of these guys. I am extolled to “put myself out there”; “lower my standards”; but “don’t look because when you least expect to meet someone that’s when it happens”. It really kind of cracks me up…really, people, it bothers you way more than it bothers me. On each of these dates, at some time during the evening, all I could think was, “I could be home watching The Mentalist”.  Not a good basis for a relationship.

So, what is this single stigma we as a society seem to have? Should I really have to defend myself just because I’m not married or otherwise coupled up? Why is it even an issue? There are days when I am perfectly content in my life and there are days when I wish things were different. But, if I remember correctly, I had the same ebb and flow of good days and bad days when I was married. Marriage isn’t the answer to the happiness question, nor is being single the answer for misery. If you are a happy single, you’ll more than likely be a happy married; if you are a worrisome single, folks, that ain’t going away just because someone slips a ring on your finger. Marriage doesn’t make you a better person nor does being single make you a less than. If you judge someone based on their marital status, well, stop it. 

As for me, God is good and He knows my heart and knows my desires…if He sees fit to bless me with a husband then all the praise to Him. And if He doesn’t, all the praise to Him. 

On Old Friends

On Old Friends

The last few days I have had the good fortune to be around some of my oldest and dearest friends. One has known me since we were 9 years old; two since we were 13; and one since college. What I love about being around these people is that they know me…I mean really know me; my character, my likes, my dislikes, my hopes and dreams and what makes me, well, me. They are the epitome of the slogan, “a friend is someone who knows everything about you, but likes you anyway”.  And thank goodness! Where would we be without those friends who look past our quirks and irritating habits to see the real us?

And that is the joy of deep, long lasting friendships, right? It’s not only the history you have with these people; it’s the way they know you. They can support you with a word or make something you’ve been dealing with suddenly so clear because they know your personality by heart. They can be thoughtful with you or call you out on your doo-doo.  A well-meaning question, (“is that who you want to be?”) can shake you up when it is said with the edgy kindness only one of these friends can get away with. They can tease you and have nicknames for you and know you are happy or sad just by the look in your eyes. Of course, time has no meaning with these friends. If you do not speak to or see one of them for years, the minute you are in each other’s presence, it’s as if no time has passed. I feel most relaxed around these friends; they give me an ease that soothes my soul.

They are a gift.

In our 20’s, Becky and I were roommates. We had met doing gymnastics in the 5^th grade and had competed together up through our teen years. A wrist injury ended my career in high school and I didn’t see her for a few years until I bumped into her one day at Fashion Gal. I remember being so happy to see her but she stayed on the other side of the circular clothes rack while we caught up. Finally, somewhat sheepishly, she said she had gained some weight, a true horror for any gymnast, even one who had not competed in years, and stepped out from behind the rack. And yes, she had gained weight, but I remember thinking, “Um, I don’t care.” When I didn’t judge her or recoil in horror, she relaxed. I think she saw herself through my eyes. Weight was a huge issue while we were competing; we were fat tested on a regular basis, weighed before and after practice, and punished for even the slightest weight gain. So, I can see why she was hesitant. I’m sure she wondered if I would take my friendship away, but once she saw that I saw her, not her weight gain, a trust was born that has seen us through good and bad times all these later.

And she has done the same for me over the years. During college, a snarky girl that we were acquainted with asked why I had so many male friends. She said it in an accusatory way in front of a bunch of people and I have to admit that I was totally taken aback. It would never occur to me to not be friends with someone because they were male…some of my very best friends were male…and I was speechless (a rarity in those days). As she stood there glaring at me, I sputtered back, “Well, why wouldn’t I? “ Becky, in her matter of fact way, said, “Susie is an equal opportunity friend. She doesn’t care if you are male or female, black or white, tall or short, fat or skinny. If you have the qualities she is looking for, she is your friend.” The girl walked off and I just remember thinking, “Yeah, I am like that.” Thanks, Bec. And, I continue to use that line today. I AM an equal opportunity friend…and yes, people (women) still ask why I am friends w/ males. You want to know what is great about having male friends? Some of my best girl friends are the girl friends or wives of my male friends. Cool guys marry cool girls. Enough said.

Lonny is one of the aforementioned male friends. We met in Health Ed when we were 13. We had a brief conversation and that was it…friends for life. Lonny was the brother I never had; he wouldn’t so much as warn me about boys, but would tell me how they are made up and would clue me in on the characteristics of some of the ones I found myself interested in. He took care of me in a way that I hadn’t experienced before…I think it was the first time I understood what the phrase, “I have your back” meant. That’s Lonny. He has my back. Well into our college years when I found myself brokenhearted over a boy, I drove myself to his house and walked in after one knock as usual. He was on the couch watching a movie and I walked over, buried my face in his chest and cried. And cried. And cried. Now, a girl friend would ask a lot of questions and we would hash it out bit by bit. Lonny just let me cry, rubbing my back until I was all cried out. I blew my nose, asked what he was watching (The Terminator) and finished the movie with him. He never asked what was wrong, never offered advice, which is probably why I went to him instead of Becky or another girl friend. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on and to not have to explain what is happening at that moment in time. He knew me well enough to know this was one of those times.  

As I recount these times and think on these long lasting friendships, I feel so blessed. I also have been comparing them to my newer friends and I realize some of these newer friends I’ve known for six or seven years! In a world filled with fair weather friends and many people who suffer from the Princess and the Pea syndrome (everyone annoys them), I again count myself blessed to have people who stick around. It is such a blessing to have people who are pulling for you and who truly care about you. And a bigger blessing is to be able to pull and care for them in return.

I had some of these newer friends over for a pool party the other day and I remember just thinking how much I liked these women. Some I have just gotten to know within the last year and others I have known for a lot longer than that, but each is so kind hearted, spirited, sincere, honest, trustworthy, that spending time together energizes me. We can share anything with each other because no one is a gossip and when I go for a week or so without talking to them, I feel off somehow. Yup…friendship is such a blessing!

And the key really is this…because there are mean people out there who pretend to be your friend and then share what you’ve told them with others and ridicule you for it; there are people who use you to get something they want and then ditch you; there are people who smile to your face and turn and roll their eyes. Right? We’ve all been hurt by these “friends. So the key is this…be the friend you want to be and use your discernment when it comes to people. Their character will let you know if they are a fair weathered friend or a friend who will know everything about you but like you anyway.

Cheers to the ones who like you anyway!

On Being "Michael's Mom"

Eighteen hours of labor. And then a C-section. That is how Michael came into the world. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, but it is not what I really remember about his birth. What I remember is the next day. It is early morning and I hear him crying…I am in the hospital and I hear him in the distance crying. The thing is, I have not heard him cry yet, so how do I know it is Michael? But, there is no question in my mind that my son is crying and he is not happy and I try to get out of bed but that is not possible. I am completely sore, stapled, and the drugs must have worn off because I feel pain. So, I start calling to him. I hear nurses talking and him crying but they do not hear me so I muster all my energy and just start screaming his name. This interrupts their conversation and within seconds they wheel Michael into the room and yes, he is crying his head off. I am ferocious and the look on my face makes both nurses apologize over and over. I reach out and they place my son in my arms and all is well for both of us.

As I hold him I think to myself; yesterday I gave birth, but today I am a MOTHER.

From that day forward my world changes. I instinctively know things about motherhood and there is so much love inside of me for this pooping, screaming, yellow thing that it surprises me immensely. My husband tells me I am glowing, and I do feel that glow from the inside out.

Fast forward a few years and Michael is in school. It is not the first day of school that I remember, it is a regular old Tuesday and I am going to pick up Michael from his afterschool program. As I walk to the building a little girl and her Mom are walking in the opposite direction…we exchange nods and hellos but as we pass I hear the little girl say to her Mom in a loud whisper…”that’s Michael’s Mom!” and, my heart grows three sizes that day. Michael’s Mom! I am Michael’s Mom! Even now, all these years later that is the name I identify with and relish. It fills me with the love I will always carry for him no matter that he is 22 and on his own and doesn’t need me in the same way anymore. 

It is who I am.

I’ve often wondered why I love that moniker so much. I think, now, it just encompasses everything that is important. It signifies the little day in and day out events that make someone a Mother and somehow makes it all worth it. Yes, I am the one who wakes up w/ him in the night when he is sick, I am the one he gets mad at because I discipline him, I am the one who tells him to clean his freaking room a hundred times before he does it. I am HIS mother. He is mine and I am his. It is that bond that binds us together forever and ever and ever.

As his Mother, there have been times that have grieved my soul, there have been times when we have laughed ourselves silly, there have been times that we cried together, and there have been times when I have been so mad I literally wanted to send him to his room until he was 35. I have prayed over him and steadied myself from saving him from a needed lesson learned.

As a mother, I am of course, proud of my son. He is still the apple of my eye and the one good thing I have done in this world. I have regrets and wish I would have done some things differently, but I have loved (almost) every minute of it. I look at him and love the person he has grown into…and looking back at the past 22 years of being Michael’s Mom, my heart again grows and I feel that glow rising up inside of me. It is love; love of a child and knowing I am still that ferocious Mom should the need ever arise.

Happy Mother’s Day

On Gossip

On Gossip

As far back as I can remember, I have never liked gossip. As a young school girl, it always hurt my feelings when my little friends would say mean things about another girl, whether I knew her or not, whether I agreed with them or not; it bothered me. And, I learned very early that if you didn’t participate in said gossip, they would turn on you. It has been a painful lesson for most of my life.

Now that I am a grown woman I wonder about what makes people gossip? And I specifically mean the kind of gossip that women do to other women. If I don’t like someone, no one knows it but me. But, these women, if they don’t like someone, they have to get everyone to join in the dislike with them. So, they bad mouth this person in a form that usually starts with, “I love Jane, but….” and what follows can be anything from “oh my  gosh, she just annoys me…she is always talking about herself!” to “oh my gosh, does she have to put LML on every FB status?” Yes, these are actual things I have heard women say about other woman. Once the “offense” is pointed out, then everyone starts to notice and gets annoyed with Jane as well. And suddenly, Jane is being (politely) ignored.

I believe that a woman who has to get everyone to dislike who they dislike is just insecure. (Or leads a truly boring life so their only excitement is of the Peyton Place variety). Jane probably displays a trait she wishes she had or she feels Jane is prettier or smarter or more together. Or whatever. Rarely do I hear someone dislike someone else over something significant…like a breach of trust or sleeping with their spouse. You know, something that is truly hurtful and truly cause for dislike.

And that is where I find myself now. And it’s odd really. You go about your business living your life and suddenly, one or two women that you are FB friends with start ignoring you; and it is so slight you barely notice it, because, of course, you are busy living your life. Mind you, these are women you haven’t been in the same room with; had a face to face or phone conversation with; and truly are “friends” you see every once in a great while. But mostly, you “like” their comments or comment on their posts…and they yours. Until, as I said, you notice that has stopped. On their side.  It usually takes me another step to realize this is happening because as I have no contact with them, why in the world would they be ignoring me? Case in point, I sent an email to one of these women with a specific question and didn’t get a response. No big deal.  A few days later I posted on her wall and she deleted it. Hmm. I don’t really know this person and can’t figure out why she would be doing this so I send another email asking if I have done something to hurt her feelings? Nothing. So then I start thinking and all the ignoring becomes clear.

I shrug it off…I don’t really know her and clearly her character is not what I thought it to be. No loss. Until…her gossip reaches a woman I believed was my friend. Not a FB friend, a real friend. A friend who has been there for me through several tough times. A friend who I stood up for when gossip came her way. And now she is ignoring me, too. And I have to say, it hurts. I have no idea what is being said. Since January my life has been revolving around me quitting my job and recovering from pneumonia. I haven’t seen people except for my closest friends and I know I haven’t offend anyone, least of all her. And yet, here I sit with the knowledge that someone I don’t really know is talking badly enough about me to reach the ears of a friend, who come to find out, really isn’t. And for me, it all goes back to the question…”Why do women talk about other women behind their backs?” And, rhetorically, what do they get out of it? A sense of power that they can influence people? Or are they just mean? Or bored? Or passive aggressive?

All this is really to say, my feelings are hurt and the loss of even one friend is hard when you have actually done something to deserve it, but stings a little bit more when you haven’t. Because there is nothing you can do. If you have wronged someone or hurt their feelings by something you have actually done, there is a chance to apologize, to make amends, to heal the friendship. But when it happens through gossip, through nothing you have actually done, only by what someone has said about you, there is nothing you can do to make it right. If they were truly your friend and you were being annoying in some heinous way, they would tell you to your face, not gossip about it behind your back to the point where others stop talking to you. Or, if a true friend heard gossip about you, they would defend you, not ignore you. So, you are left with the knowledge that people are talking, others are listening, and there is nothing you can do about it.

I am reminded of a woman I knew a few years ago who I didn’t particularly like, and she didn’t particularly like me. We were both secure enough to know that our personalities just didn’t mesh and that was that. We were cordial to each other, laughed together, discussed topics of the day, rejoiced in each other’s victories and were saddened for the other when life gave us each a kick. None of our mutual friends knew we didn’t like each other…our close friends did, of course, but it was a non-issue. We didn’t back bite each other or try to “win” people to our side. We just were mature enough to know that just because you don’t like someone, well, it doesn’t mean a thing. So what if I didn’t like her? So what if she didn’t like me? She was around for some of the most fun times I had with that group of friends. What if we had let our dislike rule the day?  Our circle of friends would not have stayed in tack and we would have each missed out on a lot of fun times.

I believe you can like people for what they are or you can dislike them for what you think they should be. In this woman I didn’t like, I was able to find things to like about her; she was a talented artist, quick witted, and I had to admire that even though she didn’t like me, she kept her mouth shut.

And I think, oh how nice the world would be if everyone behaved like she did.

More thoughts...

So, it's been over two years since my first post and I must admit I had forgotten that I had attempted to start blogging again. I am recovering from walking pneumonia and all this "resting" is boring the daylights out of me. I had posted on FB for suggestions of what to do besides endless hours of tv and reading and someone suggested keeping a journal. I quickly thought of blogging, and when I tried to create a new blog, Google told me my email was already in use. Mmm...I had to get a new password sent and then low and behold, there was my post from last year.

I thought it interesting that I wrote of character and how it affects how one handles life. This past year has had an overlying theme of character...good character, bad character, what people in general think is good or bad character. I have made many decisions this past year based on just this subject. I have quietly ended friendships or acquaintances and have equally fostered and pursued friendships or acquaintances all based on character.

I have never liked drama and with a ridiculously drama filled job, the thought of spending my time off in drama filled situations is just plainly something I'm not going to do. My stress level is way too high 40+ hours a week to spend any time with people who suck the air out of a room with their toxic presence. 1 Corinthians 15:33 tell us, "Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character."

So, as I said, I have quietly stopped spending time w/ those drama type people, and have quietly filled my life with positive, encouraging people. What a difference good character makes!

I also, just recently, quit the stress filled, time sucking job of mine. Again, a decision based on character; mine, the companies, and the bully of a boss who gave me the wherewithal to say, "Enough." As in, "I've had enough." I've been free from work for two whole days and I feel the stress slowing ebbing from me.

In this blog, I would like to continue to explore character. I also am hoping to figure a few things out...you see, I quit my job, but I do not have another job. I feel fine about it; I had planned this for a long time and set things in place before I quit. I am hoping to find again the talents and passions that God has blessed me with. Being stressed for so long, talents and passions get swept under the rug. How can I serve God if I can't even remember what makes me smile? So, I invite you to come along for the ride and share your own journeys along the way.

Some Thoughts

Life. It's not what I expected. It's so much more and so much less and I wonder, now, how's it going to end? Not, my actual end, that I'm not worried about. But, maybe more accurately, what is going to come next? I feel as if my life has been a series of very random events peppered by profound sadness and heartache. Events that make myself and those around me shrug our shoulders and say, "What the heck just happened?" "Really?"

No matter what happens though, you have to go through it, and it seems that these events shape who we are. How you end up handling the random event says more about you than what actually happened. Which kind of stinks because you are already handed something you don't want and now you have to make a good showing of it. It's exhausting. No wonder I'm tired all the time.

One of my dear friends asked, after I was lamenting about all this, if I would do anything differently? Not trying to avoid the event itself, but how I handled it? And I had to admit that I wouldn't. I mean, it's not as if there is a plan or I sat up in bed one day and said, "Okay, this is how I am going to handle this." It doesn't happen like that at all. You're character guides you. I'm not a retaliator. I'm not a revenge seeker. I'm not mean...except if you drive below the speed limit on these crazy Tucson streets. Then you may get an aggressive honk and a dirty look from me, but otherwise, I'm mostly a person who thinks, "if this stupid thing is happening to me, well, what can I take from it? What can I learn? How can I be a better person? Who can I help afterward that might have to also go through a similar stupid situation?"

So, basically what happens is, the decisions you make are guided by who you were before the random event. If you are a retaliator or a vengeful person...then you will spend your time retaliating and seeking revenge. Not that I haven't made mistakes or done the wrong thing...goodness knows that is not the case. And I thought about wanting to change those, but I learned more from the mistakes I made than the whole mess itself so, in the end, they were helpful.

Whatever happens next, however it does end, well, I guess that's life, right? It's just what happens every day and some days are good and some days are bad and some days you just watch TV.