On The Road Less Travelled

As I have mentioned here before, I quit my job in March. It came after much soul searching, praying, and just really hating my life. My job was beyond stressful; my manager was beyond mean and horrible; and my body was showing me signs that the situation was just not good. Stress had dominated my life to the point where my mind was never quiet. I would be sitting with a friend “listening” to them, but my mind would be racing with thoughts of things not done, of things that needed my immediate attention, and of things that I would never get to. My workload was such that I was unable to do a good job on every file and that bothered me more than anything else. Trying my best wasn’t enough and that weighed on me heavily. I was exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually.

I wasn’t fulfilled at work and I was too exhausted to have a personal life. Seeing friends was often too much for me…I so wanted to go and spend time with them but the energy it took to make plans or follow through on plans sapped me. I found myself making excuses why I couldn’t meet up for dinners or movies. I would be wiped out from my super stressful day at work and the couch beckoned. Many, many days were spent going from work to my couch where I would sit and watch TV until it was time to go to bed. Vague thoughts would filter through my mind that maybe I should be doing…something…but the thought would filter out just as quickly. I needed the mindless drone of the TV or stereo to let me not think about my ever present job.

When I heard God nudging me to quit I, of course, waited for Him to nudge a job my way. But as time went by, I realized that was not His plan. I have worked since I was 15 years old, sometimes working two or three jobs at a time. Not working is not in my MO. Even after I had Michael I tutored kids at the base library. When he went to half day kindergarten, I worked part time at a real estate company. Working is what I do…and let’s just say, as someone without a husband; it’s all up to me. There is no one else to lean on, no one else to let carry the weight, no one else to pay the bills while I figure out my life.

After some major planning and money saving, quit I did and I must say that I love not working more than I ever, ever thought I would. Maybe it is the fact that the better part of my life was spent working and that the last fifteen years has been spent working at a very tough job. But oh, Sunday nights are no longer tinged with that creeping feeling of dread and that pit of anxiety that would begin to grow in my belly. Mondays dawned glorious and hopeful. But, de-stressing is serious business and I was so unbelievably tired that I went through many a day when, again, the couch seemed to be my best friend. I mean, my whole point was to get off the couch and on with life, but, I’ve been told, sometimes, sitting on the couch is okay. Sometimes it’s okay to not be strong, to not be able to handle everything life has thrown at me, and sometimes it’s okay to take care of myself from the inside out.

I have spent days in my pajamas reading or tinkering around the house. I have spent time writing. I have spent time on the phone with friends. I have watched movies I never had time for before. I cooked. I listened to music. I have gotten dressed up for a simple lunch. I reconnected with friends and family. I grieved my Dad and Jon. I thought about my life and how I want to live it. I’ve rested my weary body and my weary soul. I took walks. I sat in coffee shops. And slowly, I started to feel like me again. I found that I could be present with people and really care about them and what they were telling me. I could also remember conversations and situations…I really think the first thing that goes when you are stressed is your memory. I could handle things again; I could get things done without having to figure out how I was going to get what I was 86-ing done in its place. Or without needing a nap.

So, here I am six months later, raring to go, and I am still wondering about God’s plan. I am right smack in the middle of this road less travelled and I have no idea where I am going. I have bought into a business and although I love it immensely, it will not provide a full time income for a year or two and my bank account is dwindling. I have applied for many jobs, but none has come through. I have beseeched God to show me what He’s got in store, to no avail. And then I thought, maybe this is the plan. Maybe the resting and the not being busy is the actual plan. Maybe I am right where I am supposed to be. I can’t say I like that idea much, I would rather have the solution reveal itself at the end of the half hour, but this is not an episode; this is my life.

So, the road less traveled is wonderful, but it is also scary…because I have no idea what is going to happen. When you are working, you know pretty much that you’ll continue working and getting paid and you’ll go on vacation and cherish your days off, you may get a promotion or switch to another division, but you have the security of knowing. I know nothing. Nothing except that whatever His plan is, He is in control. And for me, that’s enough. I know to get what I want I have to do something different, and quitting your job with nothing to replace it is, um, different. I’ve gotten everything from “are you crazy?” to “you’re my hero!” And maybe a little of each is true; I do feel somewhat crazy for doing this and at times I feel like Superman, or whatever the female equivalent of a superhero would be…Wonder Woman? Storm? Somewhere Michael is rolling his eyes…but I digress.

I know that I am as happy as I can remember being. I know that quitting was the right decision. I know that whatever happens, I will be okay. And I also know, I’ve always been at home on the road less travelled. There is something about this road that captures me. I think that is why I always take pictures of empty roads that go off into the distance; the possibilities beyond that curve excite me. What is around that corner? What lies beyond the bend? I’m excited to find out.