On Being Single

Yes, I’m single. At this age, I never thought I would be, but here I am, a single woman in her late 40’s. I state this fact because over the past few years I have noticed that other people are somewhat dismayed about my being single. They seem to think it is shameful somehow. And I always have wondered why?  I, and other singles, seem to have been put in a category…the “single” category. When I was married I invited people over who I liked hanging with…their marital status was never an issue. But, somehow, these days, being single seems to come with a stigma and nice as some married people are, they don’t want you around.  

I do have wonderful, fabulous married friends who don’t care that I am single and invite me to whatever they happen to be doing with their husband or wife…and that is normal to me...that’s the way it should be, right?  Friends invite friends over. But, there are some who don’t do this and who seem to forget they like me as a friend, but instead only see that I am single and seem to have to point out that I am single by not inviting me to certain things. One even said, “Once you get a boyfriend, you’ll be able to come out with us!”, like suddenly the leprosy scales of singlehood that she sees clinging to me would then fall away. Did she feel ashamed when she was single? People’s prejudices come from things that have nothing to do with me, but it still smarts.

And lest you think it wouldn’t happen in Christian circles, let me share this fun tidbit. I used to attend a home Bible study and there were always lots of families there. A few days after Valentine’s Day, one of the husbands told me that I had missed a great Valentine’s party at their house and wanted to know why I hadn’t come. Several wives looked away and shook their heads at him…he didn’t get it, of course, and kept going on and on about what a great party it had been and I sure should have been there. Well, the wife had never invited me. I wanted to ask the women what they would do w/ Jesus? He was single. Lazarus and his sisters were single. Paul was single. Would they have missed out on the Savior of the world and some of His most profound followers by being leery of their singleness? And what bothered them about my singleness? They knew I was struggling at the time…why single me out? No pun intended. Of course, I left as soon as I could and felt shame…which really pissed me off.

 And, my family. Sigh. It is implied ever so subtly that there is something wrong with me since I don’t have a boyfriend. They grasp at any hint of a male figure that is in my life. When my Dad was dying, and the house was full of my extended family, my friend Rob came to see him and when he left the whole house was a flutter. They were hugging me and saying (with a sense of relief) what a wonderful “boyfriend” I had. I said repeatedly that he was not my boyfriend but they just gave each other knowing looks and beamed at me with pride. See, if I have a boyfriend, then I am okay in their eyes…if not, I’m just someone to be pitied.

And I don’t see myself that way at all. I do not think I am any less a person because I don’t have a boyfriend (or husband.) I don’t feel any shame or think that I should hang my head in any way. I am a cool chick who is fun to be around and has a lot to share. I’m good company…for myself or for any of my friends who like to hang around me. I just happen to be single. I don’t need a man to validate me as a person and my self-worth doesn’t come from a male companion, yet, somehow, in our society, I am a less than. And people are pretty blatant about it…there were friends who never, ever asked me to their house for dinner although most of our friends had been there on more than one occasion. Until I started dating Jon. Then the invites started rolling in. Guess when they stopped? And I have never been invited back.

Although I do not pity myself for being single, I do have to say there are times when I am painfully lonely. There are times when being alone takes its toll on me and facing another night in front of the TV is almost more than I can stand. Going to church alone is also something that can be heartbreaking. Being a single Christian in this day and age is not a good thing as my previous story attests and there is usually a big pocket of space around me in a very crowded church…as if they think I will taint them somehow. Holidays are also tough; especially as the years go by and I face another one alone.

I miss being in a committed relationship and the wonderful closeness it brings. The secret language you have with that person; the peeling of layers when you are getting to know them; the little things they do that make them unique. I really miss having someone to discuss things with. And to do things with. And someone to zip me up. But, a longing for a relationship doesn’t make me think my present state is not valid. Or that I don’t have anything to give or contribute. I do and I do. What a waste of time it would be to not live right now…to just be in a holding pattern of some sort and take on the prejudices that others have about being single. I have really lived these past five years; I have traveled, made new friends, taken classes, done races, and have taken the time to work on myself. Priceless.

But, although I do want a relationship, I will not do the alarming thing that seems to be happening to young and old in our society right now. I will not be with someone just so I don’t have to be alone.

It is alarming to me the startling speed at which people go from relationship to relationship. It seems that a good time to be alone and connect with yourself before you move on is about two weeks. That seems to be the time frame society thinks is good. Two weeks. Your marriage just ended? Sign up for match and have a date and relationship by next weekend.  Just broke up w/ a long term boyfriend or girlfriend? Find someone else as quickly as possible and you’ll be living with them in no time. And people do. I just heard that a couple I used to do things with got divorced. I was so heartbroken until I heard that she is already remarried. I’m talking months here.  And the answer always is, “I can’t be alone.” Really? I’d (clearly) rather be alone than with the wrong person. And I just don’t fall in or out of love that fast.

I’ve dated and I will say right here that I am picky. I’m looking for a lifelong mate, not just someone to keep me company on a Saturday night, so if I don’t have that spark with you…and not just the physical attraction spark…the spark that makes your brain hum when you are with that person, then you are probably not the person for me. I’m also not going to live with you in lieu of marriage...I follow Jesus and He frowns on that sort of thing. Since I have dated, people are mystified why I don’t have a relationship yet.

Well, I’ve been on a date with a man who started every sentence with, “I hate it when women…” and would finish with, “you don’t do that do you?” And they were stupid things…like sing to a song in the car; wear makeup; like Cats. At the end of the date, I said that I did all those things so a second date wasn’t in the cards. Then there was the guy who kept telling me I was the most wonderful, intriguing, mysterious woman he had ever met…ten minutes after meeting me.  After the second date, I had had enough of that…don’t worship me till I’ve earned it, dude. There was the very nice acquaintance who wanted to set me up with someone she knew that was separated. I nicely told her that separated is still married and that I knew God had something better planned for me than someone else’s husband. There have been nice guys but no spark, and guys w/ spark and nothing else, so no relationship. But, people hate that I haven’t settled down with one of these guys. I am extolled to “put myself out there”; “lower my standards”; but “don’t look because when you least expect to meet someone that’s when it happens”. It really kind of cracks me up…really, people, it bothers you way more than it bothers me. On each of these dates, at some time during the evening, all I could think was, “I could be home watching The Mentalist”.  Not a good basis for a relationship.

So, what is this single stigma we as a society seem to have? Should I really have to defend myself just because I’m not married or otherwise coupled up? Why is it even an issue? There are days when I am perfectly content in my life and there are days when I wish things were different. But, if I remember correctly, I had the same ebb and flow of good days and bad days when I was married. Marriage isn’t the answer to the happiness question, nor is being single the answer for misery. If you are a happy single, you’ll more than likely be a happy married; if you are a worrisome single, folks, that ain’t going away just because someone slips a ring on your finger. Marriage doesn’t make you a better person nor does being single make you a less than. If you judge someone based on their marital status, well, stop it. 

As for me, God is good and He knows my heart and knows my desires…if He sees fit to bless me with a husband then all the praise to Him. And if He doesn’t, all the praise to Him.