Waiting is hard for me.
As a Christian, the Bible is full of situations where
someone has to wait. Moses waited for 40 years in the desert, David waited and
waited and waited to be King, Abraham and Sarah waited into their nineties for
their first born, Isaac. David and Abraham had been told by God that they would
be King and that Israel would come from them, respectively, and then endured
the wait to glorious results. And after Moses’ wait, he led the Hebrews out of
Egypt, parted the Red Sea, spoke w/ God and so much more.
So, why is it so hard for me to wait on God?
And, it is HARD for me to wait on God. Really, really
hard. I'm ready, God! Let's go! But, no.
I’ve been waiting for years, it seems. To find…something. And every time I try to “make something
happen” as it were, well, nothing happens. And what I keep hearing from God is, “Wait.” “Stop.” “Rest.”
The situations in my life seem to support those
murmurings. I have applied for jobs all over the country and have had few
bites. I have been injured since October and can’t run or bike or swim or hike
or dance or any of the other physical things I like to do. And I seem to be
following Moses in that God hasn’t yet shared His plan for my life.
Not that I am just sitting here twiddling my thumbs…although
some days that seems to happen. Everyone is working during the day when I am
wanting to go do something and there is only so much cleaning, organizing, TV
watching, writing or reading I can do. And sometimes the days do stretch out
with nothing to do. I tell myself to be grateful for this time of rest and
remind myself how ridiculously busy and crazed I was a year ago when I quit my
job. How this time is really for resting of my mind and spirit, and my body as
well, so it would seem. Most days are great…I wake up when I want to and have
more freedom than I’ve had in 20 or so years. My days are all mine and that is
so very sweet.
Yet, I find myself yearning for….something.
When I talk to God I tell Him what I think should be
happening right now. “God, wouldn’t it be great if…” and I fill in the blank
for Him, like He doesn’t already know what would be great for me. I see Him
patting my head and scooting me away. When I lament to friends, the response is
either them telling me to shut up as they trudge off to work, or they remind me
how gracious God is and that He will provide more than I can ever imagine. And
the line from Star Wars always pops into my head; “I don’t know. I can imagine
an awful lot.”
Now faith is the
substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1,
KJV).
When I quit my job a year ago, it was truly on faith. Faith
that God, in His promises, would take care of me. He has taught me many things
in this year, a year that has sped by faster than any other in memory, and I
know that I must continue to wait and have faith.
Have I mentioned that is hard?
Here’s why…because when the fears of the world creep into
my brain I turn from God and entrust myself. Because it’s scary not knowing
what is going to happen. I have hope on one hand and fear on the other and
sometimes fear wins out. So I pack up my car and drive to San Diego to
interview for a job I know I will hate; a job in a field I just left, but that
is in one of my favorite places on earth. And the interview goes well until I
ask the question every adjuster out there wants to know of an employer. What is
an average pending? (Pending is the open files an adjuster is working). Now, for
reference, at my last job my average pending was 90ish. And, as I have said, I
was crazed. And the reply is….150. For two full seconds my eyes are wide and my
mouth is gaping open. I control my facial features, but not the horror as I
calculate just how many claims that is a week. A. Freakin. Lot.
So, I am waiting. And really, not just for a job, or a
wonderful man, or friends that are here since all my close ones seem to move
away. I’m just waiting for the next chapter of my life because it really, really
feels like one is closing.
I just really wish it would hurry up already. In the words of Vizzini…
“I’m Waiting!”
