On Gossip

On Gossip

As far back as I can remember, I have never liked gossip. As a young school girl, it always hurt my feelings when my little friends would say mean things about another girl, whether I knew her or not, whether I agreed with them or not; it bothered me. And, I learned very early that if you didn’t participate in said gossip, they would turn on you. It has been a painful lesson for most of my life.

Now that I am a grown woman I wonder about what makes people gossip? And I specifically mean the kind of gossip that women do to other women. If I don’t like someone, no one knows it but me. But, these women, if they don’t like someone, they have to get everyone to join in the dislike with them. So, they bad mouth this person in a form that usually starts with, “I love Jane, but….” and what follows can be anything from “oh my  gosh, she just annoys me…she is always talking about herself!” to “oh my gosh, does she have to put LML on every FB status?” Yes, these are actual things I have heard women say about other woman. Once the “offense” is pointed out, then everyone starts to notice and gets annoyed with Jane as well. And suddenly, Jane is being (politely) ignored.

I believe that a woman who has to get everyone to dislike who they dislike is just insecure. (Or leads a truly boring life so their only excitement is of the Peyton Place variety). Jane probably displays a trait she wishes she had or she feels Jane is prettier or smarter or more together. Or whatever. Rarely do I hear someone dislike someone else over something significant…like a breach of trust or sleeping with their spouse. You know, something that is truly hurtful and truly cause for dislike.

And that is where I find myself now. And it’s odd really. You go about your business living your life and suddenly, one or two women that you are FB friends with start ignoring you; and it is so slight you barely notice it, because, of course, you are busy living your life. Mind you, these are women you haven’t been in the same room with; had a face to face or phone conversation with; and truly are “friends” you see every once in a great while. But mostly, you “like” their comments or comment on their posts…and they yours. Until, as I said, you notice that has stopped. On their side.  It usually takes me another step to realize this is happening because as I have no contact with them, why in the world would they be ignoring me? Case in point, I sent an email to one of these women with a specific question and didn’t get a response. No big deal.  A few days later I posted on her wall and she deleted it. Hmm. I don’t really know this person and can’t figure out why she would be doing this so I send another email asking if I have done something to hurt her feelings? Nothing. So then I start thinking and all the ignoring becomes clear.

I shrug it off…I don’t really know her and clearly her character is not what I thought it to be. No loss. Until…her gossip reaches a woman I believed was my friend. Not a FB friend, a real friend. A friend who has been there for me through several tough times. A friend who I stood up for when gossip came her way. And now she is ignoring me, too. And I have to say, it hurts. I have no idea what is being said. Since January my life has been revolving around me quitting my job and recovering from pneumonia. I haven’t seen people except for my closest friends and I know I haven’t offend anyone, least of all her. And yet, here I sit with the knowledge that someone I don’t really know is talking badly enough about me to reach the ears of a friend, who come to find out, really isn’t. And for me, it all goes back to the question…”Why do women talk about other women behind their backs?” And, rhetorically, what do they get out of it? A sense of power that they can influence people? Or are they just mean? Or bored? Or passive aggressive?

All this is really to say, my feelings are hurt and the loss of even one friend is hard when you have actually done something to deserve it, but stings a little bit more when you haven’t. Because there is nothing you can do. If you have wronged someone or hurt their feelings by something you have actually done, there is a chance to apologize, to make amends, to heal the friendship. But when it happens through gossip, through nothing you have actually done, only by what someone has said about you, there is nothing you can do to make it right. If they were truly your friend and you were being annoying in some heinous way, they would tell you to your face, not gossip about it behind your back to the point where others stop talking to you. Or, if a true friend heard gossip about you, they would defend you, not ignore you. So, you are left with the knowledge that people are talking, others are listening, and there is nothing you can do about it.

I am reminded of a woman I knew a few years ago who I didn’t particularly like, and she didn’t particularly like me. We were both secure enough to know that our personalities just didn’t mesh and that was that. We were cordial to each other, laughed together, discussed topics of the day, rejoiced in each other’s victories and were saddened for the other when life gave us each a kick. None of our mutual friends knew we didn’t like each other…our close friends did, of course, but it was a non-issue. We didn’t back bite each other or try to “win” people to our side. We just were mature enough to know that just because you don’t like someone, well, it doesn’t mean a thing. So what if I didn’t like her? So what if she didn’t like me? She was around for some of the most fun times I had with that group of friends. What if we had let our dislike rule the day?  Our circle of friends would not have stayed in tack and we would have each missed out on a lot of fun times.

I believe you can like people for what they are or you can dislike them for what you think they should be. In this woman I didn’t like, I was able to find things to like about her; she was a talented artist, quick witted, and I had to admire that even though she didn’t like me, she kept her mouth shut.

And I think, oh how nice the world would be if everyone behaved like she did.